At this stage of my life, my most pressing and consistent need is childcare help. I know I’m fortunate in this regard. We send my daughter to a half-day preschool, and we have family nearby who are available in the afternoons and weekends. Still, we always need help filling in the gaps. (Like today! When school is canceled because of winter weather and everything is thrown off whack.)
I could use help mustering up the courage and confidence to take updated headshots — or to even take the first step of booking those headshots. (What does that specific confidence help look like? I’m not sure!)
I need help navigating the ups and downs of a romantic relationship and building a stronger partnership.
I want to be a better gardener, but don’t know where to start.
I'm self employed and desperately needed new headshots a couple of years ago. I *hate* being focused on in that way and went in with an attitude of "just get a basic headshot out of this." That attitude, plus not feeling super comfortable with the photographer (who had great reviews but I just didn't personally jive with), left me with really shitty photos where I look fine but no personality was coming through and the people who know me best could immediately tell I wasn't comfortable. And so, I started over. Picked a new photographer, told her about my nerves and what happened last time, talked more about what I hoped for out of the photos, and took time at the start and in between photos to kind of shake out my body and release some tension. I looked ridiculous doing it but I felt comfortable doing it with this second photographer, and I'd identified the need to do it after the first disastrous round.
Allllll of this is to say, just schedule the photos! Do it, and if the worst happens, scrap the photos and start over again. You're out the money, that's the worst thing that could happen. Also, don't try to channel fabulousness. Just try to channel YOU. (I mean, you are fabulous, but I know if I try to go for fabulous I'm gonna end up not feeling -- or looking -- like myself.)
One other quick thought: if you're up for it and the photographer's vibe is good enough to do it, do some intentional throw-away terrible photos ... Bad smiles, wacky faces, whatever! Maybe embracing the imperfection can break you out of the fabulous-perfect-photo pressure.
Oh I love that article about “parallel play”. I never knew there was a term for it! I love spending time with friends that are not chatty Cathie’s. Especially the ones who after they leave your sphere you feel exhausted.
When I would visit my daughter for a week or so at a times, we would often do this together. I didn’t expect her to entertain me, or cook for me.
I’m passionate about gardening, and when I was healing with my hip, another gardener friend asked if she could help me with the front garden. In a couple hours with her help, we had revamped an area that previously when I looked at it I would feel overwhelmed and just go back in the house. (She did most of the work.) This coming spring I intend that I can do it myself, but I may take this articles advice and ask if someone wants to come “parallel play” with me in my garden. 🤗
My husband and I have led parallel lives together in the same house, starting about the time couple would reach the “7 year itch”. I moved into my own bedroom, (because snoring--he wouldn’t just saw logs, he’d be clear cutting forests with a chainsaw!) LOL! It works for us. Then when he got his new knees and hips, it worked out best that way too for him to be in his own bed.
I have my art studio, and he has his books and netflix. But if one or the other has a question or needs a hand, we are available.
I don’t know where you live, but if you were close to me in southern Maine, I’d love to do this with you. ❤️
My husband and I don’t have family nearby. So I’m always so grateful for any “play” help I can get!
Oh, and did I mention I’ve been a Master Gardener Volunteer since 2009? IF I don’t have gardening answers for you, I know where to find them. 😉🤗
For gardening, I love Margaret Roach’s book, A Way to Garden for beautiful writing and inspiration, and the Garden Study thread on Culture Study for permission to just try stuff and rip it out when it doesn’t work. I feel like it’s one of the only truly low-stakes places to experiment in adult life.
I have a black thumb and manage to murder all my plants, but Megan Gilger, who runs the substack Through the Seasons, has a lovely beginner gardening course: https://learn.freshexchange.com/
what space do you have? (how large, does it get full sun, part sun, or shade, is it in ground or in pots?)
What do you want to grow (possible options include decorative: greenery/flowers, food plants, native plants for birds and bugs).
How much $ do you want to spend?
I've gotten very into native gardening since we moved to a house with a yard and have found some local native plant groups (and some just plant groups) on facebook, have gotten a lot of free plants that way. Good luck, and don't worry when stuff dies, it's all a process of finding what's right for the space you have.
These are such good starter questions, thank you. And, wow, I really needed to hear the advice/permission about plants dying. When that happens I get discouraged and want to give up. Thinking about it as being part of the learning process is an excellent reframe!
Great list, Katie! I love that there's a great little village for your kiddo.
Little headshot recommendation:
Sergio & his husband moved to Marietta from Manhattan and he is brilliant and exclusively does headshots and has taken tens of thousands. He'll also travel. https://www.sqsphotography.com
The gardening bit still seems like witchcraft but I'll stay tuned and hopefully catch some tips that get submitted along the way.
Note to the article: Working in a helping profession (non-profit), I love so much of the caring, compassionate world I get to engage. As the eldest of a large, isolated family, I was conditioned to be a helper and it feels great to apply those learned behaviors, especially as I'm not financially secure enough to donate somewhere cool like give directly.org at this time in my life.
The trickiest bit in this field (and life) is soliciting help rather than taking it all on.
One of the greatest challenges in our society is that independence and individualism are so prized and some of the greatest work requires extensive collaboration. Knowing when and how and who to ask are an art and delegation in leadership roles in this sector is tough.
Thanks for asking so many important questions (as ever!) and offering pragmatic solutions.
Thank you for the headshot recommendation! Now I need to somehow channel your fabulousness and I'll be all set, ha.
And yes! Learning how to ask for help in addition to offering it is such an important balance — but a tough one to strike. What could you use extra help with these days, Andi?
Jan 16·edited Jan 16Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
I need help with radical acceptance (lol):
* that long-term partnership is wonderful *and* hard and that, 23 years in and going through one of our hardest patches, it's all okay and part of the process of being in partnership.
* that money stuff is just never going to be easy. That building up a full emergency fund and paying off all debt and adequately saving for retirement is just hard and maybe impossible. And that I need to go easier on myself when I feel like I'm failing at it all, over and over again.
* relatedly, that I am highly-sensitive and because of that plus the specific work I do, I just can't work as much as I "should" to give the appearance of being neurotypical, to feel normal, and to make bigger strides toward those financial goals above without it absolutely wrecking me (fatigue, overwhelm, burnout).
* related to that, that although I want to charge forward with goals and finally make the progress in my life that's been stunted for years because of the trauma of all the last years (2016 election, Trump years, covid, family stuff), that what I really need is to take a step back and rest and recover. Which I'm not happy about.
I'm being vulnerable with a few very close friends about all of the above but the money and work stuff I feel pretty alone with. (I'm somehow friends with weirdos who've got plenty of neurotypicality (?!) and more than enough money lol)
You articulated all of these points so well! And I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been able to open up to some close friends. The money stuff can feel so isolating, especially when people close to you aren’t facing the same challenges. So much of what you described centers around acceptance and rest — being incredibly loving and gentle with yourself. It sounds like healing and important work ❤️
Just here to say hi, one over-sensitive, neuro-divergent, can't-do-as-much-work-as-she-feels-she-should-then-feels-ashamed-and-guilty-about-it Rebecca to another 🙃🫠🥲
Oh, Becca, I'm so grateful you shared. Immediately feeling warmth, compassion, and acceptance for you with all of this really does help build those things for myself. There's so many of us! Which is so helpful to breaking down shame! But we're all at home quiet and trying to recover from the intensity of trying to live!
Thank you for sharing this. I so relate to the money stuff + highly sensitive stuff + balancing progress and trauma. Oh, and radical acceptance. It's a lot to manage.
Just wanted to send you some love and solidarity. Money stuff IS hard. We paid my student loans paid off, but money is still a hard subject, and my husband and I have different attitudes toward it that we both bring into our discussions, and it's hard and I hate it.
AllieK, I really *really* appreciate you taking the time to share this. I especially love "it's hard and I hate it" because it gave me a laugh about something that otherwise feels so heavy.
Oh my gosh, most of your points struck such a major chord with me! I've been very finances-focused over the past few years, too, and there are SO many emotions wrapped up into it. I'm right in the middle of the storm right now of building the emergency fund, paying off debt, saving for a house down payment, and figuring out retirement savings and it's really hard to not be hard on myself about it all. Your thoughts about being highly sensitive and the struggles of not being neurotypical at work, and moving forward past the trauma of the past few years, are so relatable, too. I LOVE your idea of seeking radical acceptance in all of these areas. Just wanted to let you know that there's another Rebecca out there feeling a lot of the same things. <3
Oh, fellow Rebecca. Your words meant a lot to me ... so much so I was waiting to respond until I had a really great meaningful reply. But I don't (lol) so here I am two days later just saying thank you for your vulnerability in sharing and relating. And best fucking wishes to both of us in this storm. Also if you figure out radical acceptance please come back with a tutorial.
I'm laughing at your "wait two days" problem, because I read and loved your comment and then did the same thing! I'm so glad I saw you on the call so that I remembered to jump back in here. I'm sending all the best fucking wishes right back to you, and I'm hoping that everyone in our Rebecca club, honorary Rebeccas included, can keep working on figuring out radical acceptance. This exchange really made me feel very seen. <3
I was scrolling through the attendees when I got on the call and got a huge smile seeing your name and face! Here's to all us Rebeccas, Rebekahs, and non-Rebecca Rebeccas. 💫
(Katie, assuming you get notifications of new comments, *thank you* for doing the Zoom. I'm already looking forward to the next one. 🥰)
I could use a friend... not a zoom or FaceTime friend, but a real IRL friend. The ones I’ve had lately seem to be dying at an alarming rate.
A walking/strolling buddy seems awesome!! I’d like that. Someone to just listen or be listened to or not even need to talk ... anyway, internet friends, I got in excess... but IRL... 😔
As someone who's always had wonderful Internet friends but only fairly recently began really vulnerably doing the work of cultivating deep in-person friendships, I am wishing you very well in meeting this need. ✨
I need help asking my husband for help! I've gotten good at reaching out to my mom, mother-in-law and female friends, and even telling my kids when I need them to pitch in. But I have this constant inner struggle when it comes to asking my husband for something he doesn't typically do. We have a good distribution of chores in general, but if I want extra "out of the norm" time or tasks, I hesitate to ask him. I don't know why; we're in a loving relationship, he's never refused to do what I ask for, and I'm a strong feminist who values my own time. It's a weird block I can't seem to get past.
Oh, this is really interesting! I wonder, if it's hard to ask him for specific help, if you could instead talk about this conundrum you just described. He might have some insight — or simply opening up the topic might make it easier to ask for the help you're looking for.
Oh I do this too. And my husband actually wants me to ask him for help more, to lean on him so he can feel useful. The interesting thing is that I don’t even consciously think about asking him. It’s not like I think about it and decide not to; it’s that I don’t even think about him helping me.
I wonder if it has anything to do with that psychological effect of your partner feeling like an extension of yourself-- like you don't want to ask "yourself" to do anything more. It almost feels painful to me when I add something onto his list. I think, "he works so hard!" But SO DO I!
I was actually going to say what Katie said ... I too wonder if just sharing this with him would open up a helpful conversation (between the two of you, within yourself). I'm wishing you well, whatever path you take with these darn blocks.
Love this prompt! I was a determinedly independent woman following a divorce and struggled to ask for help should I be seen as 1) weak and 2) it would be used against me at some point.
Some years later a new partner gently told me not letting him help me was not allowing our relationship to develop or deepen. That it meant so much to him to be able to help/ look after me, and that he needed to be needed sometimes. Ooof, did that hit hard.
I think I'm much better at asking for help and support now, but still find it hard to be direct in what I need help with. Often I don't really know, as mostly it's just taking *something* off my plate so I don't have to make many/any decisions - I get SO fatigued with decision making sometimes.
Right now I'd love someone to do my washing up because I really can't be bothered.
Often I need help with practical DIY-type stuff because it's not really my forte, and often it's so expensive to hire those skills in.
I relate to this but my story is different. When my partner and I had kids he traveled a lot for work and I (unexpectedly) became a stay at home caregiver. We also made the unfortunate decision of him sleeping instead of helping with night wakings. Anyway, this led me to feeling very isolated and like I could only depend on myself. Fast forward to six years later and I’m still doing that, when he is asking to help/deepen our relationship just like your partner.
I also have a hard time conceptualizing what I need help with. Sometimes the figuring out what to ask part just feels like too much extra work. Right now, more help with childcare, structuring homeschool priorities, and cleaning come up to mind.
I love this prompt and the challenge to share, even though I've stared at this comment box for an alarming amount of time wondering if I'll have the courage to hit "post." Thank you for leading by example, so here goes:
I guess the main area I need help in is figuring out how to make my business 1. Financially sustainable and 2. Financially successful. And I'd love to have the confidence to post that without feeling immediate shame.
As a fellow widow, I have created a business around supporting grievers. It happened slowly and organically and therefore, without a real "plan." For many years, I did the work for free while working other jobs because it was Needed. Now I'm struggling with the transition from "here are my words and my heart" to "please pay for the effort." I struggle with marketing for fear or being salesy when so many people feel isolated and alone in their grief. I want to give everything to everyone. And yet, I can't.
I see so much potential in what I've created, and also, I'm tired.
So what help is that? A cheerleader? A marketing guru? An accountability buddy? A financial coach? A life coach? A therapist? A fellow solo-preneur to explore life's big questions? Maybe just a nap? Probably all.
Thank you for allowing me the space to practice this ask and to make it a tiny bit easier to say out loud.
Dana, I'm so glad you decided to post! Personally, I've found that it's hard to figure out the right (non-icky) way to monetize grief-related content despite knowing how incredibly valuable it is. I don't have a ton of answers for you, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in that struggle! Maybe take a short break? Giving yourself time to rest and recuperate might give you the clarity you're looking for.
Thank you for the validation Katie! A break is actually in the works - and maybe what is stemming this current financial panic. But you're right, resting and recuperating can lead to so much clarity. Appreciate the advice!
Jan 17·edited Jan 17Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
Oh I'm so grateful you bravely hit Post. At the risk of being too simplistic in my response, I honestly can't recommend Allison Puryear's Abundance Practice Building enough. It's geared for therapists in private practice but I know professionals in other fields have benefited from her work and it sounds like you could, too. She checks sooo many boxes: cheerleader, marketing guru, accountability buddy, she's a therapist, and she'll encourage you to take a nap and not work only to burn out. Check her out on Instagram and feel free to DM her, she's super responsive!
Thanks for calling out how hard it is to push back on help that is offered--I feel so needy when I redirect people in this way. I think at the core of all the things I need help with is a deeper need to be seen, to have a witness to my circumstances who simply tries to feel some of my pain.
This need is why I love “True Blue” by boygenius so much. These lyrics, oof: “But it feels good to be known so well/ I can't hide from you like I hide from myself / I remember who I am when I'm with you”
On point! I love @kjramseywrites for writing about the human need to have someone bear witness (her perspective is Christian but I think the ideas she writes about are broadly applicable). I'd take this over a meal any day!
I've always struggled with articulating my needs and asking for help. There have been times (the years my wife was bedbound) that would have been easier had I been better at this. But, that's the past and we survived and got through it.
As far as what I need help with now, it's taken a bit of thinking. One area is with work. When I encounter a problem o technical challenge, I often feel that because I've been doing this for 20 years and am the supposed "expert" at work I feel like I can't ask for help. A big part of that is impostor syndrome and feeling like I'll be found out as a fraud if I need help. So one area I'd like to get better at is just asking for help with my job.
Another area I need help in is with some of the administrative tasks of life. Even though my wife is not as sick as she once was, I feel hesitant to ask for the help from her, even though I do need it.
I always feel like asking for help is creating an inconvenience or burden for someone else, when actually, it's in depending on eachother that we build a more robust community.
"It's in depending on eachother that we build a more robust community." Well said, Justin!
To your response re: needs with life tasks and being hesitant to ask your wife, I will offer my perspective/experience as a chronically ill partner in a marriage. Managing household tasks, administration, etc is something I sometimes have to rely heavily (or entirely) on my husband for. He often does the lion's share of these even when I'm not in a state of fatigue/overwhelm/pain. It's certainly been a challenge for us, because I feel so guilty for not being able to DO more. And then, when I can do more, it still doesn't feel like enough... It's not a great cycle, for either of us. My husband knows how guilty I feel about these things, which in turn makes him feel like when I tell him I'm grateful/acknowledging all he does, I'm really just finding ways to make myself feel even worse about myself. And, truly, he's not entirely wrong.
Being chronically ill has myriad implications for relationships and mental/emotional health, internally and interpersonally—something I know you understand very deeply, as I've followed some of your work where you talk about being a caretaker.
All this to say, I just get the position you're in and I suspect my husband is in it, too, at times. I don't have any answers. Just here to say that I know the work you do to make Adult Life Things happen doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. But also to say that, being in maybe a similar position to your spouse, there's probably a level of guilt and shame being felt on that end, and it's very hard to have conversations about those things. I think working through the shame and guilt is the hardest part, and not the actual request for help.
Justin! It’s so great to hear from you. I’m glad you sat with this and identified some ways you could use help. You have played the role of helper for so long. This is a good year to welcome some of that help into your own life!
"it's in depending on each other that we build a more robust community." <--- this! I also have to wonder if perhaps your wife would actually appreciate being needed and asked for help from, especially after the years you share where what she needed was to do more asking than helping. I'm also wondering if one of your needs may be to simply (though not easily) initiate a conversation with your wife about all of this and start there. Whatever your path, I'm wishing you well.
i love this prompt. it can be scary and vulnerable to admit that we need help, but it's impossible to build real community if no one can ever admit to needing things. This was a big lesson for me when I found out I was pregnant with twins in 2019, i got much better about asking for and accepting help. (They were born feb 2020... I've blocked a lot of their early life out) i'm feeling some of the weight of really intensive childcare ease a bit as they round the corner to 4, so I love thinking about what is a new thing I can ask for help with in 2024.
I'm glad you're spending some time thinking about this. There are some common stages in life, postpartum included, when accepting and asking for help is expected. Thinking about the help we need outside those times can be tricky! (Also I can't believe your twins are almost 4!)
So, uh, I know this sounds obvious but you really stuck me in my tracks with your simple math that your early-pandemic babies are now FOUR. My 2020 story is not yours, and yet I join you in having blocked a lot out and needing to acknowledge where I am, and what my needs are, now versus then.
I just want to say I'm right there with you. My little dude is 3, born premature in Dec. 2020, and so much of the pandemic for me was constant doctor appointments, a long time in the NICU, and so in some ways I felt sheltered from the actual horrificness of the pandemic because I was so wrapped up in all that. I actually had to write myself a stickie on my computer about where all that time went, because I could not remember and was putting pressure on myself to Do! More! when More was not something I actually needed to do!
I could use more help with accountability, a few more check ins to help me stay caught up with life, goals, health etc. I find myself needing reminders here and there or someone to say “hey! You’re getting off track!” Lol
I have had various friends fill this role over the years — and I’ve been that person for them. Could you float the idea by a friend or two? You might be surprised how eager people are to do this!
I love this prompt and loved reading through these comments! Asking for help is a huge challenge for me (like it seems to be for all of us!). Things I could use help with:
--ADHD management! This is a new diagnosis for me, and figuring out ALL THE THINGS is so overwhelming (especially, as a friend said recently, when you have ADHD! Haha).
--Support related to chronic pain management and acceptance, and just being willing to slow down. Living with joint pain from joint hypermobility syndrome, and digestive issues and pain from IBS, means I can't always do everything I want to, and I'm so bad at accepting that. I had major hip surgery a few months ago and my mother-in-law came to help out for a few days, and she had to gently talk me into accepting that help -- I never would have asked!
--Communicating my needs with my husband. I have better communication with him than almost anyone else in my life other than one or two very close friends, but a lifetime of shoving down my needs makes it really hard to speak up.
--DIY investment management! This is a big focus of mine right now, and I've been reading allll the books, but I have a weird block about actually going to other people for advice or insight.
I suppose the summary of all this is that I need help asking for help. :) It's definitely something I'd love to work on!
ADHD/chronic pain struggles here, too. It sounds like you have Ehlers? I suspect I have Ehlers... My sister has a formal diagnosis, and while she has more symptoms, I have lots of soft tissue disorders and several markers, so I'm pretty sure I've got that, too.
But ADHD ... Not formally diagnosed, but I'm hoping to get this done soon, as it's pretty clear (been meaning to have an eval done since about Jan 2020. Not sure how I possibly got distracted!? 😅)
I'm here for two of my favorite Rebeccas connecting! And Rebecca, I'm glad you posted this! That's a great first step in practicing asking for help. xo
Yes, EDS is what's suspected, but it's SO hard to get it diagnosed. I work in the chronic pain space, and I have coworkers with EDS and I've heard tons of horror stories about the difficulties in getting diagnosed. I have a lot of the markers, but I would be considered on the milder side of the spectrum (still a crappy place to be, ha). So I was formally diagnosed with "joint hypermobility syndrome," which is sorta EDS-lite, by a rheumatologist with an admitted lack of experience related to EDS. But, based on what I know, if your sister has it, you're that much more likely to as well. I'm sorry you deal with this crap, too.
I cracked up at your four-year ADHD evaluation delay due to distraction! I spent many months telling my therapist, "Eventually I'll organize my thoughts about potential ADHD so we can talk through it." It's such an odd thing to be figuring out as an adult.
Yeah, even though I don't have a formal diagnosis for Ehlers, I think mine is on the milder side. My sister has hypermobile and vascular types, so her range of issues is all over the map. And it is definitely hard to have diagnosed, and while it's becoming more widely known in the medical field, it's still a big fat mystery to most! Meanwhile, I have had rheumatoid arthritis almost my entire adult life, so while I'm not dealing as much with EDS related pain/issues, I have 17 years of autoimmune joint pain under my belt (something my sister hasn't been diagnosed with at all). Yeehaw!!
Then you have the neurodivergence/mood disorders, and wow, it sure can be a lot to manage! I don't know how much real advice I have to offer, but I definitely see you, other Rebecca!
Oof, RA is such a tough one, too. Juggling multiple pain conditions is so confusing and challenging. I definitely feel for you, and I hope you get answers and help when you need them. And yes, mixing in neurodivergence and a lovely little salad of mood disorders makes this all even more wild! I see you too, other Rebecca. <3
I said this in an earlier response and I'll say it again, at the risk of being overly simplistic in my response, I had several thoughts/resources in mind as I read your needs:
1) have you considered finding a therapist who specializes in adult ADHD? (there's not a ton but some do exist) They can help in traditional therapy-esque ways *plus* as a sort of coaching component which, with ADHD, can be super helpful as you get situated.
2) I swear my answer is in Buddhism, but right now the closest I get (which isn't very close at all) is meditation. I used to do silent meditations but the stress of covid ruined that so I turned to the Ten Percent Happier app, which I love, and I know they have chronic-pain specific guided meditations.
3) I thought of two resources: the book Needy by Mara Glatzel, and Oren Jay Sofer's book, Say What You Mean, specifically about communicating. (I know of him through his work on Ten Percent Happier!)
4) I'm not yet to the *actual* investment stage but when I'd done my own deep dive I found the book, recommended by financial bloggers everywhere, The Simple Path to Wealth by JL Collins *super* helpful.
I need help convincing my farmer husband to retire in the next few years! That way we can travel more.
As for gardening, I just gave this book to my daughter. They bought their first house a year ago and she's excited to start digging in the dirt, but didn't know where to start. This is a great book for anyone, regardless of experience level, who wants to go native to help as many pollinators, birds, and other critters as possible.
In the meantime, keep focusing on the positive and being the great person you are!
Karen, you know if you need someone to deliver a "life is short" speech, I'm here! Rooting for you two to get all the wonderful travel time you deserve!!
This is really tough to articulate! Kiddo goes to daycare, which is great for when I have to work, but I rarely get time to play with my partner. We moved about a year and a half ago, so I don't feel quite there yet with asking my few acquaintances for help watching the three-year-old while we have a date night once in a while. Family is a couple hours away, so that's not an especially great solution unless we want them to stay for the weekend.
I think also I need to take a cue from that parallel play article - I work from home, and most of the time I stay at home. But I am capable of taking my laptop somewhere and working, and I really do prefer being around people even if I don't know them/am not interacting with them. (I'm also seeking out non-remote jobs now, but that's slow going.)
Yes! As a fellow remote worker, I'm hoping to get out of the house more often this year. Being around other people — even if to just work together in the same room, quietly — makes a big difference!
And I feel you on the lack of play time with your partner. I'd like to prioritize that this year, too, but it's tough!
I just wanted to chime in to affirm how important and necessary it is to have the right-fit working environment. Just like it's so freaking tough to be an introvert in a world that expects extroversion or an extrovert during stay-at-home covid, working at home vs on site or alone vs with/among others is a need that, when not met, really causes a mess of our well-being. I'm wishing you well finding/creating your fit. 🥰
At this stage of my life, my most pressing and consistent need is childcare help. I know I’m fortunate in this regard. We send my daughter to a half-day preschool, and we have family nearby who are available in the afternoons and weekends. Still, we always need help filling in the gaps. (Like today! When school is canceled because of winter weather and everything is thrown off whack.)
I could use help mustering up the courage and confidence to take updated headshots — or to even take the first step of booking those headshots. (What does that specific confidence help look like? I’m not sure!)
I need help navigating the ups and downs of a romantic relationship and building a stronger partnership.
I want to be a better gardener, but don’t know where to start.
And this article about the benefits for parallel play for adults struck a chord with me. (https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/24/well/live/parallel-play-for-adults.html?unlocked_article_code=1.N00.zMcn.jfTUKotct2Dd&smid=url-share) I’d honestly love regular time with a friend spent reading, puzzling or writing quietly in the same room.
I'm self employed and desperately needed new headshots a couple of years ago. I *hate* being focused on in that way and went in with an attitude of "just get a basic headshot out of this." That attitude, plus not feeling super comfortable with the photographer (who had great reviews but I just didn't personally jive with), left me with really shitty photos where I look fine but no personality was coming through and the people who know me best could immediately tell I wasn't comfortable. And so, I started over. Picked a new photographer, told her about my nerves and what happened last time, talked more about what I hoped for out of the photos, and took time at the start and in between photos to kind of shake out my body and release some tension. I looked ridiculous doing it but I felt comfortable doing it with this second photographer, and I'd identified the need to do it after the first disastrous round.
Allllll of this is to say, just schedule the photos! Do it, and if the worst happens, scrap the photos and start over again. You're out the money, that's the worst thing that could happen. Also, don't try to channel fabulousness. Just try to channel YOU. (I mean, you are fabulous, but I know if I try to go for fabulous I'm gonna end up not feeling -- or looking -- like myself.)
Thank you for this perspective! It’s so helpful. I’ve been putting this task off for a million reasons, but this helps it not to seem so daunting.
One other quick thought: if you're up for it and the photographer's vibe is good enough to do it, do some intentional throw-away terrible photos ... Bad smiles, wacky faces, whatever! Maybe embracing the imperfection can break you out of the fabulous-perfect-photo pressure.
Oh I love that article about “parallel play”. I never knew there was a term for it! I love spending time with friends that are not chatty Cathie’s. Especially the ones who after they leave your sphere you feel exhausted.
When I would visit my daughter for a week or so at a times, we would often do this together. I didn’t expect her to entertain me, or cook for me.
I’m passionate about gardening, and when I was healing with my hip, another gardener friend asked if she could help me with the front garden. In a couple hours with her help, we had revamped an area that previously when I looked at it I would feel overwhelmed and just go back in the house. (She did most of the work.) This coming spring I intend that I can do it myself, but I may take this articles advice and ask if someone wants to come “parallel play” with me in my garden. 🤗
My husband and I have led parallel lives together in the same house, starting about the time couple would reach the “7 year itch”. I moved into my own bedroom, (because snoring--he wouldn’t just saw logs, he’d be clear cutting forests with a chainsaw!) LOL! It works for us. Then when he got his new knees and hips, it worked out best that way too for him to be in his own bed.
I have my art studio, and he has his books and netflix. But if one or the other has a question or needs a hand, we are available.
I don’t know where you live, but if you were close to me in southern Maine, I’d love to do this with you. ❤️
My husband and I don’t have family nearby. So I’m always so grateful for any “play” help I can get!
Oh, and did I mention I’ve been a Master Gardener Volunteer since 2009? IF I don’t have gardening answers for you, I know where to find them. 😉🤗
For gardening, I love Margaret Roach’s book, A Way to Garden for beautiful writing and inspiration, and the Garden Study thread on Culture Study for permission to just try stuff and rip it out when it doesn’t work. I feel like it’s one of the only truly low-stakes places to experiment in adult life.
I have a black thumb and manage to murder all my plants, but Megan Gilger, who runs the substack Through the Seasons, has a lovely beginner gardening course: https://learn.freshexchange.com/
Gardening starter questions:
what space do you have? (how large, does it get full sun, part sun, or shade, is it in ground or in pots?)
What do you want to grow (possible options include decorative: greenery/flowers, food plants, native plants for birds and bugs).
How much $ do you want to spend?
I've gotten very into native gardening since we moved to a house with a yard and have found some local native plant groups (and some just plant groups) on facebook, have gotten a lot of free plants that way. Good luck, and don't worry when stuff dies, it's all a process of finding what's right for the space you have.
These are such good starter questions, thank you. And, wow, I really needed to hear the advice/permission about plants dying. When that happens I get discouraged and want to give up. Thinking about it as being part of the learning process is an excellent reframe!
Great list, Katie! I love that there's a great little village for your kiddo.
Little headshot recommendation:
Sergio & his husband moved to Marietta from Manhattan and he is brilliant and exclusively does headshots and has taken tens of thousands. He'll also travel. https://www.sqsphotography.com
The gardening bit still seems like witchcraft but I'll stay tuned and hopefully catch some tips that get submitted along the way.
Note to the article: Working in a helping profession (non-profit), I love so much of the caring, compassionate world I get to engage. As the eldest of a large, isolated family, I was conditioned to be a helper and it feels great to apply those learned behaviors, especially as I'm not financially secure enough to donate somewhere cool like give directly.org at this time in my life.
The trickiest bit in this field (and life) is soliciting help rather than taking it all on.
One of the greatest challenges in our society is that independence and individualism are so prized and some of the greatest work requires extensive collaboration. Knowing when and how and who to ask are an art and delegation in leadership roles in this sector is tough.
Thanks for asking so many important questions (as ever!) and offering pragmatic solutions.
Thank you for the headshot recommendation! Now I need to somehow channel your fabulousness and I'll be all set, ha.
And yes! Learning how to ask for help in addition to offering it is such an important balance — but a tough one to strike. What could you use extra help with these days, Andi?
I need help with radical acceptance (lol):
* that long-term partnership is wonderful *and* hard and that, 23 years in and going through one of our hardest patches, it's all okay and part of the process of being in partnership.
* that money stuff is just never going to be easy. That building up a full emergency fund and paying off all debt and adequately saving for retirement is just hard and maybe impossible. And that I need to go easier on myself when I feel like I'm failing at it all, over and over again.
* relatedly, that I am highly-sensitive and because of that plus the specific work I do, I just can't work as much as I "should" to give the appearance of being neurotypical, to feel normal, and to make bigger strides toward those financial goals above without it absolutely wrecking me (fatigue, overwhelm, burnout).
* related to that, that although I want to charge forward with goals and finally make the progress in my life that's been stunted for years because of the trauma of all the last years (2016 election, Trump years, covid, family stuff), that what I really need is to take a step back and rest and recover. Which I'm not happy about.
I'm being vulnerable with a few very close friends about all of the above but the money and work stuff I feel pretty alone with. (I'm somehow friends with weirdos who've got plenty of neurotypicality (?!) and more than enough money lol)
You articulated all of these points so well! And I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been able to open up to some close friends. The money stuff can feel so isolating, especially when people close to you aren’t facing the same challenges. So much of what you described centers around acceptance and rest — being incredibly loving and gentle with yourself. It sounds like healing and important work ❤️
Oh Katie. I teared up at "acceptance and rest" and then the tears came out reading the rest. I feel seen and supported in this moment. Thank you. ❤️
Just here to say hi, one over-sensitive, neuro-divergent, can't-do-as-much-work-as-she-feels-she-should-then-feels-ashamed-and-guilty-about-it Rebecca to another 🙃🫠🥲
Oh, Becca, I'm so grateful you shared. Immediately feeling warmth, compassion, and acceptance for you with all of this really does help build those things for myself. There's so many of us! Which is so helpful to breaking down shame! But we're all at home quiet and trying to recover from the intensity of trying to live!
Thank you for sharing this. I so relate to the money stuff + highly sensitive stuff + balancing progress and trauma. Oh, and radical acceptance. It's a lot to manage.
It IS a lot. I'm managing it today by opting out of the world and onto my couch with two super cozy blankets. Not a long term strategy, to be sure ...
Just wanted to send you some love and solidarity. Money stuff IS hard. We paid my student loans paid off, but money is still a hard subject, and my husband and I have different attitudes toward it that we both bring into our discussions, and it's hard and I hate it.
AllieK, I really *really* appreciate you taking the time to share this. I especially love "it's hard and I hate it" because it gave me a laugh about something that otherwise feels so heavy.
Oh my gosh, most of your points struck such a major chord with me! I've been very finances-focused over the past few years, too, and there are SO many emotions wrapped up into it. I'm right in the middle of the storm right now of building the emergency fund, paying off debt, saving for a house down payment, and figuring out retirement savings and it's really hard to not be hard on myself about it all. Your thoughts about being highly sensitive and the struggles of not being neurotypical at work, and moving forward past the trauma of the past few years, are so relatable, too. I LOVE your idea of seeking radical acceptance in all of these areas. Just wanted to let you know that there's another Rebecca out there feeling a lot of the same things. <3
And here, too 🙋🏼♀️
... Should we form a club?
Most importantly, can there be a secret (and probably very awkwardly performed) handshake?
There is a 100% chance that the secret handshake would be awkward! But this club would be epic.
Oh, fellow Rebecca. Your words meant a lot to me ... so much so I was waiting to respond until I had a really great meaningful reply. But I don't (lol) so here I am two days later just saying thank you for your vulnerability in sharing and relating. And best fucking wishes to both of us in this storm. Also if you figure out radical acceptance please come back with a tutorial.
I'm laughing at your "wait two days" problem, because I read and loved your comment and then did the same thing! I'm so glad I saw you on the call so that I remembered to jump back in here. I'm sending all the best fucking wishes right back to you, and I'm hoping that everyone in our Rebecca club, honorary Rebeccas included, can keep working on figuring out radical acceptance. This exchange really made me feel very seen. <3
SAME!
I was scrolling through the attendees when I got on the call and got a huge smile seeing your name and face! Here's to all us Rebeccas, Rebekahs, and non-Rebecca Rebeccas. 💫
(Katie, assuming you get notifications of new comments, *thank you* for doing the Zoom. I'm already looking forward to the next one. 🥰)
This makes me so happy!! Thank you both for joining!
I could use a friend... not a zoom or FaceTime friend, but a real IRL friend. The ones I’ve had lately seem to be dying at an alarming rate.
A walking/strolling buddy seems awesome!! I’d like that. Someone to just listen or be listened to or not even need to talk ... anyway, internet friends, I got in excess... but IRL... 😔
Gérard, thanks for being brave enough to share this. Loneliness can be so hard. I don't know how helpful or applicable this is, but there's lots of advice online on how to make friends as an adult (which proves how hard it is!) Here's one example: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/202211/12-ways-make-friends-in-mid-life-and-beyond
I hope you find the buddy you're looking for!
As someone who's always had wonderful Internet friends but only fairly recently began really vulnerably doing the work of cultivating deep in-person friendships, I am wishing you very well in meeting this need. ✨
I need help asking my husband for help! I've gotten good at reaching out to my mom, mother-in-law and female friends, and even telling my kids when I need them to pitch in. But I have this constant inner struggle when it comes to asking my husband for something he doesn't typically do. We have a good distribution of chores in general, but if I want extra "out of the norm" time or tasks, I hesitate to ask him. I don't know why; we're in a loving relationship, he's never refused to do what I ask for, and I'm a strong feminist who values my own time. It's a weird block I can't seem to get past.
Oh, this is really interesting! I wonder, if it's hard to ask him for specific help, if you could instead talk about this conundrum you just described. He might have some insight — or simply opening up the topic might make it easier to ask for the help you're looking for.
Oh I do this too. And my husband actually wants me to ask him for help more, to lean on him so he can feel useful. The interesting thing is that I don’t even consciously think about asking him. It’s not like I think about it and decide not to; it’s that I don’t even think about him helping me.
I wonder if it has anything to do with that psychological effect of your partner feeling like an extension of yourself-- like you don't want to ask "yourself" to do anything more. It almost feels painful to me when I add something onto his list. I think, "he works so hard!" But SO DO I!
I was actually going to say what Katie said ... I too wonder if just sharing this with him would open up a helpful conversation (between the two of you, within yourself). I'm wishing you well, whatever path you take with these darn blocks.
Love this prompt! I was a determinedly independent woman following a divorce and struggled to ask for help should I be seen as 1) weak and 2) it would be used against me at some point.
Some years later a new partner gently told me not letting him help me was not allowing our relationship to develop or deepen. That it meant so much to him to be able to help/ look after me, and that he needed to be needed sometimes. Ooof, did that hit hard.
I think I'm much better at asking for help and support now, but still find it hard to be direct in what I need help with. Often I don't really know, as mostly it's just taking *something* off my plate so I don't have to make many/any decisions - I get SO fatigued with decision making sometimes.
Right now I'd love someone to do my washing up because I really can't be bothered.
Often I need help with practical DIY-type stuff because it's not really my forte, and often it's so expensive to hire those skills in.
"Not letting him help me was not allowing our relationship to develop or deepen."
Damn. That's a hard truth and great insight in general. Another function of helping: building trusting, loving relationships.
I relate to this but my story is different. When my partner and I had kids he traveled a lot for work and I (unexpectedly) became a stay at home caregiver. We also made the unfortunate decision of him sleeping instead of helping with night wakings. Anyway, this led me to feeling very isolated and like I could only depend on myself. Fast forward to six years later and I’m still doing that, when he is asking to help/deepen our relationship just like your partner.
I also have a hard time conceptualizing what I need help with. Sometimes the figuring out what to ask part just feels like too much extra work. Right now, more help with childcare, structuring homeschool priorities, and cleaning come up to mind.
I can feel myself isolating again. So I need help to say “yes” more. Instead of automatically “no”.
I haven't read it, but I've heard good thing about Shonda Rhimes' "Year of Yes." Might be a helpful book to check out!
Doing the counterintuitive, paradoxical thing is so hard and yet often so good.
I love this prompt and the challenge to share, even though I've stared at this comment box for an alarming amount of time wondering if I'll have the courage to hit "post." Thank you for leading by example, so here goes:
I guess the main area I need help in is figuring out how to make my business 1. Financially sustainable and 2. Financially successful. And I'd love to have the confidence to post that without feeling immediate shame.
As a fellow widow, I have created a business around supporting grievers. It happened slowly and organically and therefore, without a real "plan." For many years, I did the work for free while working other jobs because it was Needed. Now I'm struggling with the transition from "here are my words and my heart" to "please pay for the effort." I struggle with marketing for fear or being salesy when so many people feel isolated and alone in their grief. I want to give everything to everyone. And yet, I can't.
I see so much potential in what I've created, and also, I'm tired.
So what help is that? A cheerleader? A marketing guru? An accountability buddy? A financial coach? A life coach? A therapist? A fellow solo-preneur to explore life's big questions? Maybe just a nap? Probably all.
Thank you for allowing me the space to practice this ask and to make it a tiny bit easier to say out loud.
Dana, I'm so glad you decided to post! Personally, I've found that it's hard to figure out the right (non-icky) way to monetize grief-related content despite knowing how incredibly valuable it is. I don't have a ton of answers for you, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in that struggle! Maybe take a short break? Giving yourself time to rest and recuperate might give you the clarity you're looking for.
I can't wait to see what you create!
Thank you for the validation Katie! A break is actually in the works - and maybe what is stemming this current financial panic. But you're right, resting and recuperating can lead to so much clarity. Appreciate the advice!
Oh I'm so grateful you bravely hit Post. At the risk of being too simplistic in my response, I honestly can't recommend Allison Puryear's Abundance Practice Building enough. It's geared for therapists in private practice but I know professionals in other fields have benefited from her work and it sounds like you could, too. She checks sooo many boxes: cheerleader, marketing guru, accountability buddy, she's a therapist, and she'll encourage you to take a nap and not work only to burn out. Check her out on Instagram and feel free to DM her, she's super responsive!
Thank you so much, Rebecca! I just started following her and am excited to learn more!
Thanks for calling out how hard it is to push back on help that is offered--I feel so needy when I redirect people in this way. I think at the core of all the things I need help with is a deeper need to be seen, to have a witness to my circumstances who simply tries to feel some of my pain.
This need is why I love “True Blue” by boygenius so much. These lyrics, oof: “But it feels good to be known so well/ I can't hide from you like I hide from myself / I remember who I am when I'm with you”
On point! I love @kjramseywrites for writing about the human need to have someone bear witness (her perspective is Christian but I think the ideas she writes about are broadly applicable). I'd take this over a meal any day!
Oh, Natalie. I see you with that core need.
I've always struggled with articulating my needs and asking for help. There have been times (the years my wife was bedbound) that would have been easier had I been better at this. But, that's the past and we survived and got through it.
As far as what I need help with now, it's taken a bit of thinking. One area is with work. When I encounter a problem o technical challenge, I often feel that because I've been doing this for 20 years and am the supposed "expert" at work I feel like I can't ask for help. A big part of that is impostor syndrome and feeling like I'll be found out as a fraud if I need help. So one area I'd like to get better at is just asking for help with my job.
Another area I need help in is with some of the administrative tasks of life. Even though my wife is not as sick as she once was, I feel hesitant to ask for the help from her, even though I do need it.
I always feel like asking for help is creating an inconvenience or burden for someone else, when actually, it's in depending on eachother that we build a more robust community.
"It's in depending on eachother that we build a more robust community." Well said, Justin!
To your response re: needs with life tasks and being hesitant to ask your wife, I will offer my perspective/experience as a chronically ill partner in a marriage. Managing household tasks, administration, etc is something I sometimes have to rely heavily (or entirely) on my husband for. He often does the lion's share of these even when I'm not in a state of fatigue/overwhelm/pain. It's certainly been a challenge for us, because I feel so guilty for not being able to DO more. And then, when I can do more, it still doesn't feel like enough... It's not a great cycle, for either of us. My husband knows how guilty I feel about these things, which in turn makes him feel like when I tell him I'm grateful/acknowledging all he does, I'm really just finding ways to make myself feel even worse about myself. And, truly, he's not entirely wrong.
Being chronically ill has myriad implications for relationships and mental/emotional health, internally and interpersonally—something I know you understand very deeply, as I've followed some of your work where you talk about being a caretaker.
All this to say, I just get the position you're in and I suspect my husband is in it, too, at times. I don't have any answers. Just here to say that I know the work you do to make Adult Life Things happen doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. But also to say that, being in maybe a similar position to your spouse, there's probably a level of guilt and shame being felt on that end, and it's very hard to have conversations about those things. I think working through the shame and guilt is the hardest part, and not the actual request for help.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your perspective.
Justin! It’s so great to hear from you. I’m glad you sat with this and identified some ways you could use help. You have played the role of helper for so long. This is a good year to welcome some of that help into your own life!
"it's in depending on each other that we build a more robust community." <--- this! I also have to wonder if perhaps your wife would actually appreciate being needed and asked for help from, especially after the years you share where what she needed was to do more asking than helping. I'm also wondering if one of your needs may be to simply (though not easily) initiate a conversation with your wife about all of this and start there. Whatever your path, I'm wishing you well.
i love this prompt. it can be scary and vulnerable to admit that we need help, but it's impossible to build real community if no one can ever admit to needing things. This was a big lesson for me when I found out I was pregnant with twins in 2019, i got much better about asking for and accepting help. (They were born feb 2020... I've blocked a lot of their early life out) i'm feeling some of the weight of really intensive childcare ease a bit as they round the corner to 4, so I love thinking about what is a new thing I can ask for help with in 2024.
I'm glad you're spending some time thinking about this. There are some common stages in life, postpartum included, when accepting and asking for help is expected. Thinking about the help we need outside those times can be tricky! (Also I can't believe your twins are almost 4!)
So, uh, I know this sounds obvious but you really stuck me in my tracks with your simple math that your early-pandemic babies are now FOUR. My 2020 story is not yours, and yet I join you in having blocked a lot out and needing to acknowledge where I am, and what my needs are, now versus then.
Wild, right
WILD
I just want to say I'm right there with you. My little dude is 3, born premature in Dec. 2020, and so much of the pandemic for me was constant doctor appointments, a long time in the NICU, and so in some ways I felt sheltered from the actual horrificness of the pandemic because I was so wrapped up in all that. I actually had to write myself a stickie on my computer about where all that time went, because I could not remember and was putting pressure on myself to Do! More! when More was not something I actually needed to do!
I could use more help with accountability, a few more check ins to help me stay caught up with life, goals, health etc. I find myself needing reminders here and there or someone to say “hey! You’re getting off track!” Lol
I have had various friends fill this role over the years — and I’ve been that person for them. Could you float the idea by a friend or two? You might be surprised how eager people are to do this!
I love this prompt and loved reading through these comments! Asking for help is a huge challenge for me (like it seems to be for all of us!). Things I could use help with:
--ADHD management! This is a new diagnosis for me, and figuring out ALL THE THINGS is so overwhelming (especially, as a friend said recently, when you have ADHD! Haha).
--Support related to chronic pain management and acceptance, and just being willing to slow down. Living with joint pain from joint hypermobility syndrome, and digestive issues and pain from IBS, means I can't always do everything I want to, and I'm so bad at accepting that. I had major hip surgery a few months ago and my mother-in-law came to help out for a few days, and she had to gently talk me into accepting that help -- I never would have asked!
--Communicating my needs with my husband. I have better communication with him than almost anyone else in my life other than one or two very close friends, but a lifetime of shoving down my needs makes it really hard to speak up.
--DIY investment management! This is a big focus of mine right now, and I've been reading allll the books, but I have a weird block about actually going to other people for advice or insight.
I suppose the summary of all this is that I need help asking for help. :) It's definitely something I'd love to work on!
ADHD/chronic pain struggles here, too. It sounds like you have Ehlers? I suspect I have Ehlers... My sister has a formal diagnosis, and while she has more symptoms, I have lots of soft tissue disorders and several markers, so I'm pretty sure I've got that, too.
But ADHD ... Not formally diagnosed, but I'm hoping to get this done soon, as it's pretty clear (been meaning to have an eval done since about Jan 2020. Not sure how I possibly got distracted!? 😅)
I'm here for two of my favorite Rebeccas connecting! And Rebecca, I'm glad you posted this! That's a great first step in practicing asking for help. xo
Yes, EDS is what's suspected, but it's SO hard to get it diagnosed. I work in the chronic pain space, and I have coworkers with EDS and I've heard tons of horror stories about the difficulties in getting diagnosed. I have a lot of the markers, but I would be considered on the milder side of the spectrum (still a crappy place to be, ha). So I was formally diagnosed with "joint hypermobility syndrome," which is sorta EDS-lite, by a rheumatologist with an admitted lack of experience related to EDS. But, based on what I know, if your sister has it, you're that much more likely to as well. I'm sorry you deal with this crap, too.
I cracked up at your four-year ADHD evaluation delay due to distraction! I spent many months telling my therapist, "Eventually I'll organize my thoughts about potential ADHD so we can talk through it." It's such an odd thing to be figuring out as an adult.
Yeah, even though I don't have a formal diagnosis for Ehlers, I think mine is on the milder side. My sister has hypermobile and vascular types, so her range of issues is all over the map. And it is definitely hard to have diagnosed, and while it's becoming more widely known in the medical field, it's still a big fat mystery to most! Meanwhile, I have had rheumatoid arthritis almost my entire adult life, so while I'm not dealing as much with EDS related pain/issues, I have 17 years of autoimmune joint pain under my belt (something my sister hasn't been diagnosed with at all). Yeehaw!!
Then you have the neurodivergence/mood disorders, and wow, it sure can be a lot to manage! I don't know how much real advice I have to offer, but I definitely see you, other Rebecca!
Oof, RA is such a tough one, too. Juggling multiple pain conditions is so confusing and challenging. I definitely feel for you, and I hope you get answers and help when you need them. And yes, mixing in neurodivergence and a lovely little salad of mood disorders makes this all even more wild! I see you too, other Rebecca. <3
I said this in an earlier response and I'll say it again, at the risk of being overly simplistic in my response, I had several thoughts/resources in mind as I read your needs:
1) have you considered finding a therapist who specializes in adult ADHD? (there's not a ton but some do exist) They can help in traditional therapy-esque ways *plus* as a sort of coaching component which, with ADHD, can be super helpful as you get situated.
2) I swear my answer is in Buddhism, but right now the closest I get (which isn't very close at all) is meditation. I used to do silent meditations but the stress of covid ruined that so I turned to the Ten Percent Happier app, which I love, and I know they have chronic-pain specific guided meditations.
3) I thought of two resources: the book Needy by Mara Glatzel, and Oren Jay Sofer's book, Say What You Mean, specifically about communicating. (I know of him through his work on Ten Percent Happier!)
4) I'm not yet to the *actual* investment stage but when I'd done my own deep dive I found the book, recommended by financial bloggers everywhere, The Simple Path to Wealth by JL Collins *super* helpful.
I need help convincing my farmer husband to retire in the next few years! That way we can travel more.
As for gardening, I just gave this book to my daughter. They bought their first house a year ago and she's excited to start digging in the dirt, but didn't know where to start. This is a great book for anyone, regardless of experience level, who wants to go native to help as many pollinators, birds, and other critters as possible.
In the meantime, keep focusing on the positive and being the great person you are!
Karen, you know if you need someone to deliver a "life is short" speech, I'm here! Rooting for you two to get all the wonderful travel time you deserve!!
This was wonderful and important.
This is really tough to articulate! Kiddo goes to daycare, which is great for when I have to work, but I rarely get time to play with my partner. We moved about a year and a half ago, so I don't feel quite there yet with asking my few acquaintances for help watching the three-year-old while we have a date night once in a while. Family is a couple hours away, so that's not an especially great solution unless we want them to stay for the weekend.
I think also I need to take a cue from that parallel play article - I work from home, and most of the time I stay at home. But I am capable of taking my laptop somewhere and working, and I really do prefer being around people even if I don't know them/am not interacting with them. (I'm also seeking out non-remote jobs now, but that's slow going.)
Yes! As a fellow remote worker, I'm hoping to get out of the house more often this year. Being around other people — even if to just work together in the same room, quietly — makes a big difference!
And I feel you on the lack of play time with your partner. I'd like to prioritize that this year, too, but it's tough!
I just wanted to chime in to affirm how important and necessary it is to have the right-fit working environment. Just like it's so freaking tough to be an introvert in a world that expects extroversion or an extrovert during stay-at-home covid, working at home vs on site or alone vs with/among others is a need that, when not met, really causes a mess of our well-being. I'm wishing you well finding/creating your fit. 🥰
Maybe only you need is just a walk with a friend. Maybe the solution is that simple who knows?