In what ways could you use help?

Articulating what you need can be surprisingly tough.

Photo courtesy Getty Images

A few months ago, a friend of mine returned home after a major surgery. Eager to help, I texted her that I’d be happy to drop off a few meals during the week. But my friend didn’t need a hand with food.

“Actually, could we go on a walk instead?” she asked. She explained that she couldn’t walk far or fast, but would love the company.

So that’s what we did. With cane in hand, my friend and I meandered down the sidewalk of her street. We walked slowly, chatting about her recovery and the myriad ways that life gets thrown off course. We paused when needed, taking in the scenery around us. At one point, we stopped to admire an especially vibrant Japanese maple, remarking how — as the afternoon sun hit its bright red leaves — it glowed. 

The next week, I returned to my friend’s house for another walk. And again, the week after that. Each time, my friend walked a little farther and faster. It was bittersweet to see her improvement, knowing that she would soon return to work and our middle-of-the-day jaunts would come to an end.

It’s been almost two months since those slow walks, but I think about the experience often. I’m grateful that my friend pushed back against my offer to bring food and instead told me what would be most helpful. This year, as I’m aiming to become more of a helper, it’s a lesson I need to hold onto: The ways people most need support aren’t always obvious.

Naming the specific ways we need or want help from others can be a surprisingly difficult thing to do. I know this from my own experience of losing my husband. In the weeks and months afterward, there were countless people — neighbors, friends, coworkers, relatives, people I never met but who loved Jamie — who were anxious to offer their help, to do something in a terrible time. For the most part, I didn’t know what to say. My gut reaction, in the midst of such soul-wrenching pain, was to ask to be left alone. (This is normal, and it’s why a common piece of advice for supporting a grieving person is to offer a specific kind of help instead of asking what that person needs. “Can I bring soup tomorrow? Let me know if you’d like me to leave it on your porch or if you’d want company.”)

With time, though, I got better at identifying the specific ways I needed help. I also got better at noticing how much people wanted to help. By accepting their gestures of assistance, I was doing us both a favor. Asking for and accepting help is a skill — and it’s one I’ve tried to keep sharp, even in times when I’m not in crisis.

That’s what I want to discuss with you all today: At this point in your life, in what ways could you most use help? Maybe you’re looking for an accountability buddy to help you stay on track with your 2024 goals. Perhaps you’re in a food rut and need some weeknight meal ideas. Or you, too, might be wishing for slow walks with a friend. You might need childcare help, caregiving support, or someone to drop off dinner one night next week.

Your needs could be small — more like nice-to-haves — or bigger and more urgent. This isn’t a space to judge what you could use help with. It’s an opportunity to practice expressing those needs, and putting them out into the world. Once you’ve reflected on the ways you could use help, think about what it would take to share those requests with someone in your life.

This is a vulnerable challenge, I know. But I’m hoping some of you brave readers will be willing to post a comment and lead by example. And who knows! There might be someone in the comments looking for something that you can assist with. This could also be an opportunity to practice offering help. 

I’ll share my own list of needs in the comments. I hope you’ll join me.  

xoxo
KHG