I felt this big time as I read it earlier today. I keep thinking to myself, somebody someday should write a book about marriage called "The Way Marriage Really Is," especially about the first year or two. It's so hard! You fight, and there's times when you don't even really like each other that much. I don't know exactly why, but we pick up the message that we should pathologize that, when actually it's a natural part of moving in together and blending two lives. My wife and I fought for sure the first year or two we were married. Expectations are different, you're both adults who've had different rhythms in your life before you met, etc. And you're raising a child, which is one of the hardest, most demanding things you can do in life. I hope it doesn't dismiss what you're going through if I say, it does get better -- my wife and I recently celebrated our 10-year anniversary, and it's so much easier and smoother for us now than it was those first couple of years. It gets better ❤️
I hope that doesn't sound too negative! (As I read it, I'm like, "ouch!") I've found that rather than hard-and-fast rules in life, what works better for me is thinking in thresholds -- you're going to fight and have disagreements from time to time. But does it pass a certain threshold where you're like, "this is too much"? Because if our ideals ask too much from us, if they mean we need to basically be perfect all the time (e.g., one like the idea that married couples should never fight and always be in love), then reality is going to be a *huge* disappointment. What I hate to see is people beating themselves up over the normal, ordinary foibles and flaws we all share. I want to to tell them, "it's okay, you're going to be fine -- you're being too hard on yourself! Just try again tomorrow. :)
Not too harsh at all! It’s so helpful to get outside perspectives in situations like these. I especially appreciate hearing how hard those first few years of parenthood can be on a relationship. That should definitely be a chapter of “The Way Marriage Really Is!”
Love this so much! I've done the exact same thing but never had it framed like this. You have an uncanny knack for identifying our fears/habits/quirks and explaining why it's actually growth or good to do the thing we secretly thought was weird or shameful.
Thanks so kind! I feel like I did SO much reading in the years after Jamie died—looking for answers—and it’s nice to be able to connect the dots later on. Thanks, Rennie.
I love the concept of expanding and contracting. Caregiving to my parents for 7 years was the epitome of extreme emotions--peaks and valleys, highs and lows, whatever--magnifies even more in their recent passings. The end of your post is perfect. Life is filled with cycles of breath, of inhaling and exhaling the good and the bad moments.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I was caregiving for my mom for 8 years and she passed last month. I agree, the ebbs and flows, expansion and contractions have been very noticeable since things started getting worse her last few months, to now.
Mom’s finally free and at peace and I’m starting life for the first time. And my contractions happen because of slight anxiety and fear about firsts I “should’ve” *been* experience.
I hope you’re experiencing so much more expansion when time permits amongst the grief. ♥️
The in-between periods are hard! I’m currently in my own fallow period and this language from Byron Brown really resonates. I wasn’t familiar with it and I appreciate your sharing!
I particularly admire your bravery to keep pushing forward. It's an amazing quality. I believe we can all find a way, but you have such momentum and tenacity. And that doesn't mean everything is always perfect, but when you're brave and you resolve to get back-on-track, it doesn't need to be.
I feel so much of this. The last two years have been hell for my family, but we feel like we're coming out of it. My word for 2023 is "forward" and I really feel it; I finally feel joy again. Life is an ebb and flow and I'm going to rejoice that right now, things are looking up.
Expansions and contractions - this really helps me understand some of the feelings I've had recently about experiences in my own life. Thank you for sharing!
I'm sorry that things got so bad for you Katie. Life can be such a struggle at times. I am happy that you are feeling better now and I hope that 2023 is a better year for you.
Love the permission this gives to be okay with expanding and contracting and learning that that’s all apart of the journey. I’m happy to hear you’re beginning to feel more balance and joy in your life and are on the side of expansion!
Facebook groups (when you find precious, amazing ones) are everything, I swear. I turned to a caregiving one a lot the last 3 months of my mom’s life.
I felt this big time as I read it earlier today. I keep thinking to myself, somebody someday should write a book about marriage called "The Way Marriage Really Is," especially about the first year or two. It's so hard! You fight, and there's times when you don't even really like each other that much. I don't know exactly why, but we pick up the message that we should pathologize that, when actually it's a natural part of moving in together and blending two lives. My wife and I fought for sure the first year or two we were married. Expectations are different, you're both adults who've had different rhythms in your life before you met, etc. And you're raising a child, which is one of the hardest, most demanding things you can do in life. I hope it doesn't dismiss what you're going through if I say, it does get better -- my wife and I recently celebrated our 10-year anniversary, and it's so much easier and smoother for us now than it was those first couple of years. It gets better ❤️
I hope that doesn't sound too negative! (As I read it, I'm like, "ouch!") I've found that rather than hard-and-fast rules in life, what works better for me is thinking in thresholds -- you're going to fight and have disagreements from time to time. But does it pass a certain threshold where you're like, "this is too much"? Because if our ideals ask too much from us, if they mean we need to basically be perfect all the time (e.g., one like the idea that married couples should never fight and always be in love), then reality is going to be a *huge* disappointment. What I hate to see is people beating themselves up over the normal, ordinary foibles and flaws we all share. I want to to tell them, "it's okay, you're going to be fine -- you're being too hard on yourself! Just try again tomorrow. :)
Not too harsh at all! It’s so helpful to get outside perspectives in situations like these. I especially appreciate hearing how hard those first few years of parenthood can be on a relationship. That should definitely be a chapter of “The Way Marriage Really Is!”
Love this so much! I've done the exact same thing but never had it framed like this. You have an uncanny knack for identifying our fears/habits/quirks and explaining why it's actually growth or good to do the thing we secretly thought was weird or shameful.
Thanks so kind! I feel like I did SO much reading in the years after Jamie died—looking for answers—and it’s nice to be able to connect the dots later on. Thanks, Rennie.
I love the concept of expanding and contracting. Caregiving to my parents for 7 years was the epitome of extreme emotions--peaks and valleys, highs and lows, whatever--magnifies even more in their recent passings. The end of your post is perfect. Life is filled with cycles of breath, of inhaling and exhaling the good and the bad moments.
That’s so kind. Thank you, Amie.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I was caregiving for my mom for 8 years and she passed last month. I agree, the ebbs and flows, expansion and contractions have been very noticeable since things started getting worse her last few months, to now.
Mom’s finally free and at peace and I’m starting life for the first time. And my contractions happen because of slight anxiety and fear about firsts I “should’ve” *been* experience.
I hope you’re experiencing so much more expansion when time permits amongst the grief. ♥️
The in-between periods are hard! I’m currently in my own fallow period and this language from Byron Brown really resonates. I wasn’t familiar with it and I appreciate your sharing!
I’m glad it resonates. It was so helpful for me too. Thanks, Liz! (And good luck with the fallow period. I know it can be a slog!)
I particularly admire your bravery to keep pushing forward. It's an amazing quality. I believe we can all find a way, but you have such momentum and tenacity. And that doesn't mean everything is always perfect, but when you're brave and you resolve to get back-on-track, it doesn't need to be.
That is so kind and encouraging! Thank you, Brian!!
I feel so much of this. The last two years have been hell for my family, but we feel like we're coming out of it. My word for 2023 is "forward" and I really feel it; I finally feel joy again. Life is an ebb and flow and I'm going to rejoice that right now, things are looking up.
Forward! I’m so happy to hear this, Sarah.
I adore this so much !! Exactly what I needed this week ❤️🩹
I’m so glad to hear that, Ana!
This is an amazing post. Thanks for sharing. 💟
Thank you, Sue!
Expansions and contractions - this really helps me understand some of the feelings I've had recently about experiences in my own life. Thank you for sharing!
I’m so glad it was helpful!
I'm sorry that things got so bad for you Katie. Life can be such a struggle at times. I am happy that you are feeling better now and I hope that 2023 is a better year for you.
I hope so, too. Thanks, Pennie 🥰
Oh Katie, now I really get it. Yes, I understand this feeling and this phase. Thank you for sharing it here.
I feel like our newsletters complimented each other so nicely this week. Lovely to be on the same wavelength as you ❤️
Love the permission this gives to be okay with expanding and contracting and learning that that’s all apart of the journey. I’m happy to hear you’re beginning to feel more balance and joy in your life and are on the side of expansion!
Facebook groups (when you find precious, amazing ones) are everything, I swear. I turned to a caregiving one a lot the last 3 months of my mom’s life.