I was was told...at your last moments on earth, NOONE says.. I wish I "worked" more. Quite the opposite. I admire Katie (for many reasons) but, I 100% respect that "work is work". I made a decision to be a full time Mom and I sacrificed my career for many years & financially it was a burden, BUT!!!...being with my babies and living in the present moment with your baby is priceless!!!! Oh...btw, I have 0 regrets. I can't stress enough the importance of Self Care! Self love, "me" time...even just a pedi and a coffee! As my Nana preached to me....Take care of YOU FIRST..otherwise, no one will benefit. I still hear her tell me that in my head...and I'm so glad she did. Today's world is abit different as my baby is 30 years old and expecting her 1st baby. I again, Salute! Praise & tell all you mommies. working or "not" that......You're Amazing <3....
I wish I knew how to rest and not feel guilty about it! Also, I try to say no but it's harder and harder because people will preach this to you but not allow you to do it. It's awful, tbh. And then the fitbit, I get that entirely. Always a task to complete but that time is my actual daily 60 min me time. And I cherish that. So that's one good thing from it that comes for me.
Thank you for writing this! I have been having similar conversations with friends about work/self-worth and the constant battle between that and self-care, and I so appreciate your reflections about this as a deeper phenomenon.
I try to practice, but more regularly give out this advice rather than take it myself, having “should-less days”. The actress Ellen Burstyn talked about it on the podcast Death, Sex and Money. From the show summary: “Ellen also told us about her ‘should-less days’ - days she sets aside ‘where there’s nothing I should do.’ As she explained to me, ‘I have wiring in my brain that calls me lazy, if I’m not doing something. I haven’t been able to get rid of it. But what I can do is I can put in another wiring, I can put in should-less days, so when that voice goes off and says you’re being lazy, I turn to the other wiring in my brain that says, no, this is a should-less day, and I’m doing what I want.’”
On a related, I loved this thread from Irving Washington at ONA on burnout being an industry-wide problem in journalism, rather than an individual problem/struggle, and that if we frame it that way, we can look for institutional solutions.
Loved reading this, Katie! Beautifully written and so insightful. My business, Change Agent Studio, is built on helping business owners and entrepreneurs to unpack and address internalized capitalism (aka - toxic capitalism, which is what I’ve been calling it). I loved reading your account. It underscores exactly why I do the work that I do. This stuff is practically in the air we breathe, and to change it we have to not only look at ourselves, we have to look at the culture of our workplaces, our schools, and yes - how we’e modeling work to our children. And we have to stop emphasizing that hard work alone leads to success and fulfillment.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Before we can shift the culture outside of us (the one reinforcing toxic capitalism), we have to shift our internal culture - just as you’ve recognized and pointed out. Heres the initial advice I give to my clients who can’t turn off.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s nothing wrong with you - it’s just the program that your brain is running (that was installed by our culture - it was not a choice you made) isn’t serving you any more. Like on your phone, when you update the operating system, you get to play with new features, you can do things you couldn’t do before. Having a deep awareness of what the problem is, is 90% of the solution. The other 10% is re-writing that program. The first step to re-writing it, is to understand the program that you’re running right now - the internal thoughts and feelings that are keeping you in the old program - the things your internal voice is saying to you all day long. Write down 10 of them. (They might be things like, ‘I never have enough time’ or ‘If I can just finish this project, I’ll be able to relax’) You can sit down and write it in one go, or you can make it as they arise - maybe using a notes app on your phone and adding them as you notice them.
Then, make a list of 20 new potential other thoughts to replace these - thoughts that reverse the ones you need to move past. (For example, ‘I have plenty of time for everything that is important to me’ or ‘I can choose to work when I want to work, and I can choose to rest or play whenever it suits me.’) Whenever you notice those repetitive thoughts and feelings that are preventing you from updating your program, replace them with the new thoughts - your new program.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Katie, I’m sharing it with some of my friends as well as my clients, and I’m so grateful that you wrote it.
My husband Chris has all of the facets you described. Sometimes it is hard to get him to slow down and focus on just being present instead of thinking about everything he could be working on. A friend of his suggested that he put relaxing on his to do list so at least when it is accomplished he can mark it off his mental checklist. Chris equates relaxing with "wasting time", but as someone who naturally rests a lot, I see it as being just as productive as any other type of work. If I nap now, I can be my best self for an event I want to attend later in the day. If I spend an hour watching a dumb reality show, I am giving my brain a chance to take a break from whatever it has been working on so it can look at any challenges with a fresh perspective later. Viewing rest as a way to more efficiently allot my energy keeps me from feeling guilty about it, and helps me view what I am doing as always being enough instead of never doing enough.
How do you respond to your inner capitalist? Do you have tips on how to rest and not feel guilty about it? ...
<deep breath> oh Katie... I, too, am so inclined to focus on productivity. I remember a few years ago on the 4th of July holiday, I had the day off work. So naturally, I spent the entire day prepping meals to stock up my freezer... so that we would have enough ready-to-make food on the days I'm too busy working to cook!
I posted on social media about spending my day off this way. As a total brag, like, look at how productive I was! Since then, I've realized that my refusal to just rest, play, connect with my kids and spouse... is not great.
I want to be more intentional about having unscheduled time at home with my kids, while still allowing myself other times to be task-focused, even on "rest days." Because I think I need a balance of both.
I don't want to feel guilty about my impulse to be productive, because there's a time and space for that. I just don't want my kids' entire childhood to go by and then I realize that I spent so much of it trying to "get stuff done" that I missed all the sweet little moments....
I want to be able to cuddle with them on the couch without trying to simultaneously pick up toys off the ground, play outside without trying to multi-task with weeding the landscape, and (GASP) sit down for dinner without trying to clean the kitchen while the kids eat. Is that even possible??? LOL
I totally get the productivity brag! I've been guilty of it many times too. And yes, yes, yes to this: "I just don't want my kids' entire childhood to go by and then I realize that I spent so much of it trying to "get stuff done" that I missed all the sweet little moments." They're lucky to have you as a mom <3
I was was told...at your last moments on earth, NOONE says.. I wish I "worked" more. Quite the opposite. I admire Katie (for many reasons) but, I 100% respect that "work is work". I made a decision to be a full time Mom and I sacrificed my career for many years & financially it was a burden, BUT!!!...being with my babies and living in the present moment with your baby is priceless!!!! Oh...btw, I have 0 regrets. I can't stress enough the importance of Self Care! Self love, "me" time...even just a pedi and a coffee! As my Nana preached to me....Take care of YOU FIRST..otherwise, no one will benefit. I still hear her tell me that in my head...and I'm so glad she did. Today's world is abit different as my baby is 30 years old and expecting her 1st baby. I again, Salute! Praise & tell all you mommies. working or "not" that......You're Amazing <3....
You are so, so, so right. Thank you for this reminder.
I wish I knew how to rest and not feel guilty about it! Also, I try to say no but it's harder and harder because people will preach this to you but not allow you to do it. It's awful, tbh. And then the fitbit, I get that entirely. Always a task to complete but that time is my actual daily 60 min me time. And I cherish that. So that's one good thing from it that comes for me.
Anyways, off to work!
It really is the worst when bosses preach to take time off and then either don’t do it themselves, or make it impossible for you to do it. (Or both!)
Thank you for writing this! I have been having similar conversations with friends about work/self-worth and the constant battle between that and self-care, and I so appreciate your reflections about this as a deeper phenomenon.
I try to practice, but more regularly give out this advice rather than take it myself, having “should-less days”. The actress Ellen Burstyn talked about it on the podcast Death, Sex and Money. From the show summary: “Ellen also told us about her ‘should-less days’ - days she sets aside ‘where there’s nothing I should do.’ As she explained to me, ‘I have wiring in my brain that calls me lazy, if I’m not doing something. I haven’t been able to get rid of it. But what I can do is I can put in another wiring, I can put in should-less days, so when that voice goes off and says you’re being lazy, I turn to the other wiring in my brain that says, no, this is a should-less day, and I’m doing what I want.’”
https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/deathsexmoney/episodes/ellen-burstyns-lessons-survival-membership
I need that other wiring, too!
On a related, I loved this thread from Irving Washington at ONA on burnout being an industry-wide problem in journalism, rather than an individual problem/struggle, and that if we frame it that way, we can look for institutional solutions.
https://twitter.com/irvwashington3/status/1384131660032069636?s=21
Thank you again, Katie!
Also, second, third and fourth compliments to Christine - she is an equally thoughtful and fabulous colleague.
These are such great resources! Thank you, Mary! (And I suspect Christine would say the same about you. xo)
great post ... my rewiring phrase is "I am enough"
Loved reading this, Katie! Beautifully written and so insightful. My business, Change Agent Studio, is built on helping business owners and entrepreneurs to unpack and address internalized capitalism (aka - toxic capitalism, which is what I’ve been calling it). I loved reading your account. It underscores exactly why I do the work that I do. This stuff is practically in the air we breathe, and to change it we have to not only look at ourselves, we have to look at the culture of our workplaces, our schools, and yes - how we’e modeling work to our children. And we have to stop emphasizing that hard work alone leads to success and fulfillment.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Before we can shift the culture outside of us (the one reinforcing toxic capitalism), we have to shift our internal culture - just as you’ve recognized and pointed out. Heres the initial advice I give to my clients who can’t turn off.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s nothing wrong with you - it’s just the program that your brain is running (that was installed by our culture - it was not a choice you made) isn’t serving you any more. Like on your phone, when you update the operating system, you get to play with new features, you can do things you couldn’t do before. Having a deep awareness of what the problem is, is 90% of the solution. The other 10% is re-writing that program. The first step to re-writing it, is to understand the program that you’re running right now - the internal thoughts and feelings that are keeping you in the old program - the things your internal voice is saying to you all day long. Write down 10 of them. (They might be things like, ‘I never have enough time’ or ‘If I can just finish this project, I’ll be able to relax’) You can sit down and write it in one go, or you can make it as they arise - maybe using a notes app on your phone and adding them as you notice them.
Then, make a list of 20 new potential other thoughts to replace these - thoughts that reverse the ones you need to move past. (For example, ‘I have plenty of time for everything that is important to me’ or ‘I can choose to work when I want to work, and I can choose to rest or play whenever it suits me.’) Whenever you notice those repetitive thoughts and feelings that are preventing you from updating your program, replace them with the new thoughts - your new program.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Katie, I’m sharing it with some of my friends as well as my clients, and I’m so grateful that you wrote it.
My husband Chris has all of the facets you described. Sometimes it is hard to get him to slow down and focus on just being present instead of thinking about everything he could be working on. A friend of his suggested that he put relaxing on his to do list so at least when it is accomplished he can mark it off his mental checklist. Chris equates relaxing with "wasting time", but as someone who naturally rests a lot, I see it as being just as productive as any other type of work. If I nap now, I can be my best self for an event I want to attend later in the day. If I spend an hour watching a dumb reality show, I am giving my brain a chance to take a break from whatever it has been working on so it can look at any challenges with a fresh perspective later. Viewing rest as a way to more efficiently allot my energy keeps me from feeling guilty about it, and helps me view what I am doing as always being enough instead of never doing enough.
I love this mindset. Thank you, Amy!
How do you respond to your inner capitalist? Do you have tips on how to rest and not feel guilty about it? ...
<deep breath> oh Katie... I, too, am so inclined to focus on productivity. I remember a few years ago on the 4th of July holiday, I had the day off work. So naturally, I spent the entire day prepping meals to stock up my freezer... so that we would have enough ready-to-make food on the days I'm too busy working to cook!
I posted on social media about spending my day off this way. As a total brag, like, look at how productive I was! Since then, I've realized that my refusal to just rest, play, connect with my kids and spouse... is not great.
I want to be more intentional about having unscheduled time at home with my kids, while still allowing myself other times to be task-focused, even on "rest days." Because I think I need a balance of both.
I don't want to feel guilty about my impulse to be productive, because there's a time and space for that. I just don't want my kids' entire childhood to go by and then I realize that I spent so much of it trying to "get stuff done" that I missed all the sweet little moments....
I want to be able to cuddle with them on the couch without trying to simultaneously pick up toys off the ground, play outside without trying to multi-task with weeding the landscape, and (GASP) sit down for dinner without trying to clean the kitchen while the kids eat. Is that even possible??? LOL
I totally get the productivity brag! I've been guilty of it many times too. And yes, yes, yes to this: "I just don't want my kids' entire childhood to go by and then I realize that I spent so much of it trying to "get stuff done" that I missed all the sweet little moments." They're lucky to have you as a mom <3
Thank you, Raven! That means a lot!