Apr 27, 2021Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
I had to go off social media at the beginning of the pandemic. I'm a freelance MUA, and it wasn't like I'd be getting work through it, and it was making me so miserable, mostly through misinformation and seeing colleagues also bemoaning the lack of work. I just couldn't, anymore. And now that things are opening back up, I'm honestly not sure how I'll go back. I need to, for work, but I've been so much happier without it in my life! For now I've redownload them, but I don't go into them unless I absolutely have to, but at some point I am going to have to start checking them at least once a day. I feel sick at the thought, but there's just nothing to do.
I've thought about that lately, too... About how, at this point, a strong social media presence is essential for business... But when that business is literally just a freelancer or artist, the boundaries become so blurred they're almost non-existent.
Like you said... It feels like there's nothing to do. What can you do?
Apr 27, 2021Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Social media can be a very nasty thing. But, I was thinking about the Internet before social media and quickly realized that it was similar back then. Instead of social media, you might visit a forum and see posts about how awesome everyone else is. This happens during in person interactions as well. Naturally, everyone wants to be perceived as at least doing OK, even if they are crumbling inside.
Maybe the best approach is every time you are scrolling through posts you remember: This is not how this person’s life really is. This is just a tiny snapshot of a moment.
I am sorry for the loss of your first husband. I can't begin to fathom how difficult a time that was in your life.
Thank you for this newsletter. I envy the person who is able to use social media regularly and sidestep feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes I fall so far down the rabbit hole of insecurity, the feelings can linger for days, growing like weeds in the garden of my life. It's a toxic relationship, to say the least. The sort of relationship in which social media can leave me unmotivated to do anything. And yet I go back to it time and time again. I tell myself it's for my career as a travel writer and editor. I tell myself it's necessary for job connections, story ideas, and staying "on the pulse" of local and national happenings. These things may all be true, but I find there is another, more ugly truth beneath it all, which is I sometimes prefer the curated vision of myself to its reality. I'll catch myself looking at my social media profile, trying to imagine I'm someone else viewing it. From that vantage point, I might — as you say — seem like I have it together. I might even seem successful (although I feel far from it). In the end, sometimes the harshest comparison is the one between who we are and who we project ourselves to be.
To end this monologue, I'll leave you with this. The other day I was sitting at home having a rather uneventful day. My boyfriend was busily typing away on this computer. Our dog and cat were snoozing on the couch. I realized at that moment, that I have everything I want. Sure, our apartment could be bigger and my work could be steadier — but in the end, everything right now is okay. Better than okay, it's wonderful. There may be a time when this chapter closes. When we've moved apartments or our precious fur babies have passed on, or our careers have changed, or (God, forbid) our relationship has. There may be a time when I'll wax nostalgic for this very moment I'm living in. For the boundless promise, love, joy, and hope it contains. Knowing that, the last thing I want to do is waste time coveting what other people have. I only want to enjoy this now.
I love social media and some of the people I've met. But some people's obsessions and the way they have to try and seem smarter than they are or that they're exercising incessantly and you want to help them and tell them what they're doing wrong but would I be a bully? I just dont want to offend anyone but maybe I should-- ? I do love Twitter though.. but the pictures on the gram that show only the good sides of life. I post pics of myself crying sometimes cos I want people to see the reality that is my life of missing my mom after her random death. How ill never talk to her again... how I'm tired and fatigued from the ridiculous amount of emotional grief I'm feeling... but I reflect that as well as the good things and the books I'm reading... especially the one now by Caroline kepnes lol... anyways I am up and down like most people but I have a life off the gram and off the Twitter machine, altho I had a bird chirping in my car today-tweet! Lol, xoxo stay true to yourself... youre doing good... and you're doing good things.. thank you...
Happy birthday Katie! I love this zoomout view of the last several years of your life. You're incredible, and I'm so happy you're sharing your journey with us.
So much of this resonates with me. I feel like I've been on the longest chute for the past year or so. It feels like I get so close to achieving my dreams but can't make it over the finish line. I had to do a lot of work on myself after realizing how much of "me" I had lost for any number of reasons. I'm lucky to have a great support group but the pandemic isolation left me often feeling lonely and uninspired. Social media sometimes is a good distraction but other times it prompts a "what's wrong with me?" response so I walk that fine line. TBH, this newsletter is a lifesaver.. it's like you're living in my brain half the time. And now that I'm fully vaxxed, I'm looking forward to seeing people IRL again. I also have to look at the ladder part of my journey... without this time, I may not have rebuilt myself into who I want to be. Now I just need to find the right place (read job) for my skills and that ladder will start growing :)
It truly is a fine line! And I don't think it's possible to climb a ladder without a solid foundation, so it sounds like you're totally on the right path! xo
My relationship with social media has evolved over the years. It used to be my main way of communicating with the world at large, sharing EVERY thought (thanks cringeworthy "On this day..." feature, apparently 2007-2009 were very whiny years for me), keeping up with acquaintances, and viciously debating with friends who I get along with just fine in person. Now I spend very little time posting about my opinions and more time sharing humorous stories about my husband and our fur family. A very small percentage of my time on Facebook is spent interacting with people I know, and more time is spent laughing my tailfeathers off at Chonky Cat or Anti-MLM groups and the funny things that strangers post. I think I have grown into a much healthier relationship with it now and it is just a fun distraction that I could take or leave. I have never had Facebook or other social media apps on my phone, so if I want to use it I have to be near a computer. This has helped me set boundaries and be present in my "real" life.
KHG- I am a widow who is currently thinking about taking my first step into exploring dating. How long after your husband died did you start this process?
Hi Megan! I'm so sorry that you're also a member of this terrible club. I jumped into dating way early—too early, in retrospect—but I've tried to give myself grace that it was one of the ways I worked through the fog of grief. I wrote about it here. I hope it helps! https://www.glamour.com/story/my-husband-died-four-months-later-i-started-dating-again
It wasn't until a year and a half later that I truly felt ready to date, and even then it was hard. It still is sometimes! Dating as a widow is truly complicated, but it's lovely to discover that your heart is capable of loving and trusting again. Sending you a lot of love as you think about navigating this path. xo
I am curious as to whether or not social media feels like a necessity, a past-time, a luxury for others? Most people, myself included, tend to engage in social media in a somewhat mindless way. What if we engage with intention? Would that change the illusion of feeling left behind, not enough etc?
Happy birthday to my BPB. I'm glad that we know, love, and understand each other, and all of the real-life messiness of our lives—and ourselves.
I love and admire the shit out of you.
The feeling is so mutual! Thank you, beeps!
I had to go off social media at the beginning of the pandemic. I'm a freelance MUA, and it wasn't like I'd be getting work through it, and it was making me so miserable, mostly through misinformation and seeing colleagues also bemoaning the lack of work. I just couldn't, anymore. And now that things are opening back up, I'm honestly not sure how I'll go back. I need to, for work, but I've been so much happier without it in my life! For now I've redownload them, but I don't go into them unless I absolutely have to, but at some point I am going to have to start checking them at least once a day. I feel sick at the thought, but there's just nothing to do.
I've thought about that lately, too... About how, at this point, a strong social media presence is essential for business... But when that business is literally just a freelancer or artist, the boundaries become so blurred they're almost non-existent.
Like you said... It feels like there's nothing to do. What can you do?
I wish I knew!
Social media can be a very nasty thing. But, I was thinking about the Internet before social media and quickly realized that it was similar back then. Instead of social media, you might visit a forum and see posts about how awesome everyone else is. This happens during in person interactions as well. Naturally, everyone wants to be perceived as at least doing OK, even if they are crumbling inside.
Maybe the best approach is every time you are scrolling through posts you remember: This is not how this person’s life really is. This is just a tiny snapshot of a moment.
I love this approach! Thanks, friend.
This story touched my heart 💜
I’m so glad. Thank you!
I am sorry for the loss of your first husband. I can't begin to fathom how difficult a time that was in your life.
Thank you for this newsletter. I envy the person who is able to use social media regularly and sidestep feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes I fall so far down the rabbit hole of insecurity, the feelings can linger for days, growing like weeds in the garden of my life. It's a toxic relationship, to say the least. The sort of relationship in which social media can leave me unmotivated to do anything. And yet I go back to it time and time again. I tell myself it's for my career as a travel writer and editor. I tell myself it's necessary for job connections, story ideas, and staying "on the pulse" of local and national happenings. These things may all be true, but I find there is another, more ugly truth beneath it all, which is I sometimes prefer the curated vision of myself to its reality. I'll catch myself looking at my social media profile, trying to imagine I'm someone else viewing it. From that vantage point, I might — as you say — seem like I have it together. I might even seem successful (although I feel far from it). In the end, sometimes the harshest comparison is the one between who we are and who we project ourselves to be.
To end this monologue, I'll leave you with this. The other day I was sitting at home having a rather uneventful day. My boyfriend was busily typing away on this computer. Our dog and cat were snoozing on the couch. I realized at that moment, that I have everything I want. Sure, our apartment could be bigger and my work could be steadier — but in the end, everything right now is okay. Better than okay, it's wonderful. There may be a time when this chapter closes. When we've moved apartments or our precious fur babies have passed on, or our careers have changed, or (God, forbid) our relationship has. There may be a time when I'll wax nostalgic for this very moment I'm living in. For the boundless promise, love, joy, and hope it contains. Knowing that, the last thing I want to do is waste time coveting what other people have. I only want to enjoy this now.
Nikki, this is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your perspective. ❤️
I love social media and some of the people I've met. But some people's obsessions and the way they have to try and seem smarter than they are or that they're exercising incessantly and you want to help them and tell them what they're doing wrong but would I be a bully? I just dont want to offend anyone but maybe I should-- ? I do love Twitter though.. but the pictures on the gram that show only the good sides of life. I post pics of myself crying sometimes cos I want people to see the reality that is my life of missing my mom after her random death. How ill never talk to her again... how I'm tired and fatigued from the ridiculous amount of emotional grief I'm feeling... but I reflect that as well as the good things and the books I'm reading... especially the one now by Caroline kepnes lol... anyways I am up and down like most people but I have a life off the gram and off the Twitter machine, altho I had a bird chirping in my car today-tweet! Lol, xoxo stay true to yourself... youre doing good... and you're doing good things.. thank you...
Thanks, Laura. As someone who's also shared her grief on social media, I appreciate people like you who keep it real! xo
Happy birthday Katie! I love this zoomout view of the last several years of your life. You're incredible, and I'm so happy you're sharing your journey with us.
Likewise, Jillian! Loved your wonderfully honest newsletter yesterday. xo
So much of this resonates with me. I feel like I've been on the longest chute for the past year or so. It feels like I get so close to achieving my dreams but can't make it over the finish line. I had to do a lot of work on myself after realizing how much of "me" I had lost for any number of reasons. I'm lucky to have a great support group but the pandemic isolation left me often feeling lonely and uninspired. Social media sometimes is a good distraction but other times it prompts a "what's wrong with me?" response so I walk that fine line. TBH, this newsletter is a lifesaver.. it's like you're living in my brain half the time. And now that I'm fully vaxxed, I'm looking forward to seeing people IRL again. I also have to look at the ladder part of my journey... without this time, I may not have rebuilt myself into who I want to be. Now I just need to find the right place (read job) for my skills and that ladder will start growing :)
It truly is a fine line! And I don't think it's possible to climb a ladder without a solid foundation, so it sounds like you're totally on the right path! xo
My relationship with social media has evolved over the years. It used to be my main way of communicating with the world at large, sharing EVERY thought (thanks cringeworthy "On this day..." feature, apparently 2007-2009 were very whiny years for me), keeping up with acquaintances, and viciously debating with friends who I get along with just fine in person. Now I spend very little time posting about my opinions and more time sharing humorous stories about my husband and our fur family. A very small percentage of my time on Facebook is spent interacting with people I know, and more time is spent laughing my tailfeathers off at Chonky Cat or Anti-MLM groups and the funny things that strangers post. I think I have grown into a much healthier relationship with it now and it is just a fun distraction that I could take or leave. I have never had Facebook or other social media apps on my phone, so if I want to use it I have to be near a computer. This has helped me set boundaries and be present in my "real" life.
I love this approach, Amy! Also I'm calling it now: I believe "laughing my tailfeathers off at Chonky Cat" is the best phrase I'll read all day.
KHG- I am a widow who is currently thinking about taking my first step into exploring dating. How long after your husband died did you start this process?
Hi Megan! I'm so sorry that you're also a member of this terrible club. I jumped into dating way early—too early, in retrospect—but I've tried to give myself grace that it was one of the ways I worked through the fog of grief. I wrote about it here. I hope it helps! https://www.glamour.com/story/my-husband-died-four-months-later-i-started-dating-again
It wasn't until a year and a half later that I truly felt ready to date, and even then it was hard. It still is sometimes! Dating as a widow is truly complicated, but it's lovely to discover that your heart is capable of loving and trusting again. Sending you a lot of love as you think about navigating this path. xo
I am curious as to whether or not social media feels like a necessity, a past-time, a luxury for others? Most people, myself included, tend to engage in social media in a somewhat mindless way. What if we engage with intention? Would that change the illusion of feeling left behind, not enough etc?
Such good questions, Joanna! I'm going to include this in Friday's newsletter. I think it's a helpful prompt for folks!