There is a topic I’ve wanted to write about in this newsletter for a long time, but haven’t. It’s something I’ve circled around, again and again, too scared to commit to paper because I don’t yet have anything positive to report.
It’s my complicated relationship to exercise. Or, more accurately, the fear of raising my heart rate during exercise and getting short of breath.
This fear, of course, is tied to my very particular brand of trauma. Although I played soccer growing up, I never particularly enjoyed running. The experience of having my husband die while running a half marathon was enough to ruin it for me forever. For a while, just the sight of seeing anyone running, whether it was a stranger on the street or a friend sharing their latest pace on social media, made me panic. I wanted to yell. I wanted to save them. My brain would scream in terror: Why are you choosing to do this?You have no idea how dangerous it is!
Fortunately, thanks to a mix of cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, and witnessing plenty of people I love go on runs and not die, I’ve gotten a lot better over the years about accepting running for what it is: a form of exercise and activity that people enjoy and benefit from.
Unfortunately, I am still mostly terrified to break a sweat, through running or otherwise. For several years, I got around this fear and stayed in decent shape by walking—a lot. I walked 10,000 steps a day for a whole year, and for many months beyond that. But walking is slow, and now that I’m a mom, I no longer have as much time to devote to ambling around for hours at a time. I’m also older, and the lack of major physical exertion is starting to become more and more apparent in my life.
I know I could benefit from finding a new way to exercise. But I have a million excuses stopping me from starting. I don’t have enough time to devote to something new. My joints and bones are creaky, and I’m especially accident-prone when it comes to playing sports. I’m too nervous and self-conscious to join a gym—what would happen if I had a panic attack, mid-workout? I’m old. I’m busy. I wouldn’t even know where to begin to find a personal trainer who understood my very niche brand of trauma, and don’t have the money to afford that kind of unicorn anyway. Oh, and I don’t really have good sneakers or even many workout clothes at this point?
There are excuses on top of excuses, a million reasons for me to stay rooted in my trauma and stuck on the couch. Meanwhile, I’m missing out on reaping the benefits of exercise—not only feeling better in my own body, but gaining more energy and an outlet for pent-up stress and sadness, two things I’m sorely in need of. Part of me is yearning to be that kind of person who greets a tough day with a workout, instead of wallowing in how hard things feel. But there’s another part of me who’s terrified to rediscover what it will feel like for my heart to race and my breath to quicken—to get a taste of what Jamie felt like before his heart stopped and he took his last breath.
Facing it all feels incredibly daunting. So instead, I collect my excuses and surround myself with them. They’re my armor, protecting me against doing a definitely scary, probably good for me thing.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk about this topic in detail, which is why I’m turning this into a thread. I’m not yet looking for advice, but I figured it might make me feel better—or at least less alone—to know what you’re inventing a million excuses to avoid. What are you scared of doing and why? Or, what were you once scared of doing, and what happened when you finally did it?
I have always been scared of not being liked. It goes back to bullying in middle school where I strove to have everyone like me and then I became the target of a group of peers who left letters in my locker and teased me whenever I spoke up in class. Needless to say I still carry a lot of trauma around underperforming and letting people down. I take on too much and don't advocate for support since it backfired when I was a child. So now I'm afraid of success in work, bringing too much attention to my achievements or speaking up in meetings. Anxiety causes me to go into freeze or flight mode - meetings alone and public speaking make me very anxious to the point where I avoid them.
I'm 36 and was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple years ago. While on the road to recovery, I still find it sometimes scary to... just have fun. It feels like I have some sort of responsibility to be serious about things when I don't even want to. And I used to be such a fun person! She still comes out alone dancing in my apartment or with close friends. The easiest is with kids. But the casual coffee meetups with strangers, or worse friends who disappeared during the peak cancer days, it all feels very overwhelming sometimes. It's like I forgot to talk to people about things that don't involve cancer or death. I think ultimately I'm also afraid to admit it changed me on a core level. But maybe that's a good thing. Thank you for this thread <3
Well, holy shit. This is SO relatable. I'm a plus size woman that desperately wants to move my body and ACTUALLY enjoy it. It's been accomplished by so many of my fat peers, I see it on social media every day: a different world than the one I grew up in, fat people are welcome into gyms and all other physical activity things now.
But instead of taking advantage of this new narrative, I keep going back to all the inconveniences of the pain, the sweat, the lack of time that single parenting gives, etc. and prefer to sit comfortably with a very old belief to: movement is not safe for people like me.
At, 72, my knees are shot, but I want to avoid knee replacements as long as possible. The only thing I can do to compensate is strengthen my leg muscles and continue to lose weight. But both of those require awareness and decision, both of which easily disappear during the course of the day. Self-awareness is an intentional act and that's mental work. Don't bother me with any more thoughts. I have to pay attention to Family Feud!
One fear I overcame: quitting my job. How? I got a new boss that caused me panic attacks, so I decided I’d rather risk being without money than to live like I was living. The solution was to find a worse situation that the one I was facing so the first looked easier! Lol
One fear I’m working on: going back to dance classes. I danced throught my adolescence, but it was a very difficult environment (think the “Black Swan” movie). But dancing is the only working out activity I enjoy. I need something like that for my body and mind, but it’s been years I am postponing it.
(I’m not a native English speaker, so be kind with any mistake 💛)
As I work on launching my own newsletter and community space here on Substack, I find myself running into fears of all kinds of shapes and colours: will anyone read it? Am I going to say anything that hasn't been said before? Is there value in me sharing my voice with the world?
As a result, I find myself putting off some of the simple tasks of getting this thing going, even though I know it's going to be the thing that simultaneously gives me grounding and the wings to fly. I make up excuses, prioritise other things that I care much less about, and procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate... Which is to say, I let fear get in the way.
I've been thinking a lot about the value of my voice, and how I was taught from a young age that being quiet = being a good girl, and how I was actively rewarded the more I conformed and the less individuality I showed, mostly in the school environment I grew up in. Because of those experiences, I think I'm now so afraid to use my voice; I'm terrified of being judged and of being seen, because as a kid and teen, I felt like I had to swallow it all. Undoing this takes so much intentional effort, and practice, and COURAGE above all else.
A close friend from high school died in a highway car wreck the summer after our freshman year of college. Now 24 years later, I am still scared of road trips, but not to the point that I cannot do them. I can remember being knotted up with anxiety when a few of my college friends drove from NC to NYC and back over our fall break, just a couple of months after my friend had died. I held my breath that whole week, but they came back just fine. I am terrified of the day that my 11-year-old has to start learning how to drive. I think I will need a lot of therapy to help me deal!
One of my most stubborn, frustrating “little” avoidance issues is elevators. Almost 10 years ago, I was briefly stuck in one, and since then, I can’t understand how people casually go in them when that’s something that can happen. I’ve avoided job opportunities in skyscrapers, walked up and down dozens of flights of emergency exit stairs in hotels, and just gone to great lengths to avoid. Somehow EMDR has worked on big traumas in my life but not this. Being forced to occasionally face the fear and get in an elevator when there’s absolutely no other option hasn’t helped, either — I’ll still be in a state of complete panic before, during, and after. I’m proud of myself for big gains I’ve made in other areas. Maybe someday this one will stop torturing me. That exercise fear is also somewhat familiar, not because of any specific trauma but just because a rapid heartbeat, sweating, and feeling overheated were such telltale panic attack signs for so long that it’s hard to experience them and convince myself they’re from something more benign. I’ve made some gains there but will hold off until/if we are in “asking for advice” mode. :)
Wow. We’ll please know you are NOT alone. Although I don’t have the same story. I have severe anxiety. So when my heart races from working out it often feels like anxiety. So I am also scared.
I'm scared to need anything - I'm terrified that my needs are seen as too much or a burden on someone else. This has been something I've struggled with my whole life, and definitely goes hand-in-hand with being a pleaser. My parents didn't have a lot of time for me as a kid so I learned that I needed to give myself what I needed and if I couldn't, well, certainly don't say anything. And I've had jobs where speaking up about things that I need - clarity, boundaries, time off etc - has been punished, usually by insecure men in power who took any question as a challenge to their authority rather than an honest curiosity and need for support. I now work in a place where this is not the case at all - where my boss continually tells me that it is okay to have needs and to speak up about what I'm feeling. And yet, I'm fucking terrified to say anything. That maybe this one need was okay but if she hears the next four, that will be too much and the other shoe will drop.
Love this thread, it is relatable, daunting and super hard to get up and do it. I had a cardiac arrest in 2019 and a subsequent surgery for an ICD (implantable cardioverter defibrillator.) I was always a really fit active person but since the CA i am only a walker and pickleball player... yep I'm afraid. If my heartbeat goes bananas (goes into arrhythmia) the device will shock me, I will pass out, and wait for the device to restart my heart. Whew, i have never said those words out loud. So i am paralyzed by not wanting to raise my heart rate too high... I am so grateful to have my life and yet i am not as fit as i would like to be and i am so stuck.... :(
I think everyone can relate to this, whether they admit it or not! Right now, I'm scared of learning how to use Audacity to add audio to my Substack and personal blog. I've wanted to do it for a long time. I've downloaded Audacity. I want to put recordings behind a paywall (another thing I'm scared about -- paywalls!). I'm a librarian and reader. I have lots of experience reading aloud. But Audacity is complicated. The mic intimidates me. Will I sound stupid? Should I find some music to use (then there's the whole exploration of open source music & figuring out how to edit it into Audacity)? I want to sound warm and natural. Instead my test recordings sound tense and scared? anxious? Something that's not warm and natural! So I don't do it. Then I don't do it again. Yesterday, I did play around. Read a piece of poetry. Read an intro to my audio blog posts. It was OK ... I need to practice. Scared to practice!
I know you're not ready to look for advice about your current anxiety. No advice, but have you considered swimming? Less sweat. You can get a great workout walking in the water if you're not a swimmer. Lots of people do that. It's easy on your joints. You have a lifeguard watching you. Just sayin', there are lots of ways to exercise. You will find something right for you. I believe in you.
It started about 10 years ago? I am afraid to drive in snow. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. I live in Wisconsin and Washington state, so this come up a lot. Family have been pretty tolerant but I am tired of the stress and disruption it causes. I am also starting to get fearful of things like being in a tall building’s upper floor, being in a boat, taking an elevator (I feel you, sufferer who wrote about this already), walking down a country road on the wrong side, etc. I stay home a lot and do the things that are familiar to me so I don’t have to think about it very often. I have a train trip coming up, so we’ll see how that goes. Much appreciate this thread. I have long thought about EMDR.. maybe it is time to explore that...
Two years ago I was in two serious car accidents sixteen days apart, neither of which were my fault. In the first, I was t-boned in an intersection by a car that had run a red light going 35mph. In the second, I was rear-ended by a semi-truck traveling 40mph while I was at a complete stop on the highway. I have only driven through the first intersection once since then and still can't drive the stretch of highway where the semi hit me. I used to be a very confident driver, but am now highly anxious anytime I drive and it has really limited my ability to take even short road trips, especially on my own (which I have always loved doing). Thank you for this thread!
I’m scared of falling. In 2012, my nerves revolted against my body, slowly at first as these things go... and then all at once. I spun down to the ground picking up poop on an early morning walk with my then three dogs, and only got back up because the dog that is now with me stayed very still and let me use her butt as a crutch. There were a few falls in the house — some embarrassing — between that dog walk fall and the doctor appt to see what was wrong (CIDP) ... I’m much better, but I don’t go out without a walker or a cane, and I’m constantly scouring my environment for hand rails, walls to hug ... and a plan to pull myself up if I fall. It’s exhausting and some days, overwhelming. Still, I’m luckier than some...
I also wish I could get back to working out, but I also have this irrational fear of an elevated heart rate, falling over and sorta making my problem everyone else’s around me. I eat as little as possible to stay as light as I can just in case someone does need to haul me up... and I love cake!! 🥲 🤪
I had a minor car accident 12 years ago. It wasn't my fault but a motorcyclist received very minor injuries - not requiring hospital visit. But still I was very shocked and immediately lost my driving confidence for a couple of years. I didn't drive for 6 months and only short essential journeys for 2 years. My anxiety was through the roof. Gradually - very gradually I got my confidence back. It was just very slow. 12 years on I am back to confident driver who loves to drive. But it took about 5 years to completely recover. Thank you for sharing your stories. We are all so brave!
I'm afraid to go back to work and I have a small part time job but I don't know if I'll get past that and get a bigger more rewarding job-- not that the job I have now isn't rewarding, but monetarily, lol. It's some weird work anxiety I have.
Mar 1, 2023·edited Mar 1, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar
I'm late to the comments!
I am in a place in my life where I need to do the creative work I believe in by myself.
Finally I have worked through the fear of betrayal and moving on without the partner I lost in late 2016. It's terrifying thinking that I won't be enough or will not do justice to my values and lived experience or have an audience. Usual artist backstory: I've never had support for my work from my family of origin and I always had a creative partner.
Now I have people who love me big time and the entire burden of creative responsibility.
It's lonely and scary but only gets lonelier and scarier the longer I put it off.
Many peers and former partners are very successful in their respective arenas and so the pressure feels impossible.
Also: some quick gratitude to everyone on this thread!!
This was one of the most meaningful reads in a very long time because of your snapshots of your lives and how now unusual fear is, especially coming out of trauma. Thank you so much for all each of you said! (I feel weirdly drawn to put on Family Feud!)
P.S. Katie,
Being so close to the loss of a 28-year old family member a little over a year ago from a heart something that happened out of the blue, I so appreciated that vulnerability. Conversations on the news about anything similar (whether it's Damar Hamlin or a random celebrity) also send me into spirals and I can only imagine the way that impacts someone that with a front seat to that trauma. Thank you for being as open as you are brave. It's incredibly inspiring and also has me wishing there were ways for all of us here to bolster your own heart as you move through all these emotions.
One of my biggest current fears is getting out there and trying to make new friends in my new city. I've been here a year, so not so new anymore, but making new friends in your 30s is so challenging! I keep putting off joining new groups, trying meet-ups, etc., because some part of me is still the little kid who's at a new school and doesn't know anyone. This stuff doesn't come naturally to my introverted self. This is something I'm hoping to work on this year. :)
This so resonated with me! I am someone who has suffered patellar dislocations since I was in fifth grade. A year and half ago I had a bad fall and this dislocation was by far the worst I have ever suffered in my 50 years. The trauma is something I battle with even today and I have the same relationship to exercise and sports as you seem to. I desperately need to be on track always yet have million excuses that stop me. Fear is such a horrible battle!
Maybe later I will pop in and tell you about my phobia. For now I'll just share I was reading this article last night. In a way, it is nothing new. In another way, so much of it resonated. But it said, "you can take intentional, straightforward, research-backed steps to set yourself free." Today I am trying that.
You know how a lot of people were saying – go ahead, apply for that stuff, who knows you will get it?! I would spend days to compose the most perfect proposal, but then I never get it, and then I get highly critical of my own self *every* single time even though I absolutely understand that there are many factors that would lead to these rejections, and it is not solely about me being incompetent. Then I never apply for things for months.
But then some other opportunities come up and I apply to those things again, get rejected (or get accepted in some cases, although the ratio rejected:accepted is quite small), sulked, then do it again. Incandescent!
This thread is making me feel less alone. I'm afraid of making my creative pursuits public. I love writing, and sometimes I feel compelled to share it, but then I think about criticism I might receive or what people might think of me if I'm too vulnerable. I've been mired in perfectionism since as far as I can remember, and I know its rooted in being afraid that if I make a mistake I won't be liked or loved.
Saying no. Historically, I’ve always been somewhat of a people pleaser & afraid to say “no” for fear of upsetting or offending someone. As I got older I gained courage little by little, but sometimes still struggle to say “no thanks” without feeling like I have to justify it or explain myself. I’ve moved around a lot but always was able to meet people and make friends -- but our last move in our mid 30s has been the most challenging. People are established and have their networks and social circles already. Now at 37 with a 2 year old, my husband and I have finalllyyy found other families we enjoy hanging out with and our kids get along. But I still catch myself feeling bad sometimes when declining an invite. It took a traumatic 2022 (2 family members got very sick) for me to fully realize how important it is to own my “no’s” & protect my time... though one of our most valuable assets, time is not guaranteed and should be spent doing things we want with people we enjoy... certainly not squandered for fear of saying “no thanks.”
One thing I was scared of doing for a long time was improv classes. People had recommended their various benefits to me for years, but I didn't see the point and also part of me just didn't want to look stupid in front of a group of other people, or maybe realize that I'm not as witty or as funny as I thought. Fast forward to this year and a stranger in a mutual girls FB group mentioned she was taking classes, and asked if anyone wanted to join. On a whim I said yes and began my 8 week journey. It has been the most fun thing I have done in a long time and now I am even looking at taking the more advanced level classes. It challenges me to think differently, and has boosted my confidence in ways outside of the class which I did not expect. My main takeaway from it has been that it is not about being funny or witty, but instead is just about committing to even the smallest things and going with them and being proud of that. Most of it is just playing various games, and occasionally there are times when no one steps up to the plate to keep the game moving. My teacher always says "The only way we do not move forward, is if we all stand here and do nothing." I've thought about this a lot in my daily life and just remind myself that doing anything at all, even the smallest act, is a way of moving forward.
I was once scared of starting writing my book, then I did it every Mon-Thurs morning for about two months and it turned out to be fine. But then I stopped writing for a reason I can't remember, and now I'm scared to start writing again. And I'm not sure why. I know I can do it, I have done it. But still I'm scared to open up that document again and continue. I tell myself I have no time (even though I was able to find time during those two months). I tell myself what I wrote is no good (knowing full well how to make it better). I tell myself the book will never be published (though there is value in the writing itself). I tell myself I don't know how to interview the people I want to interview for my book (even though I know I can easily find out using Google). A million excuses not to (re)start indeed.
I got divorced a couple of years ago during the start of the pandemic. I am now toying with the idea of dating again for the first time since the end of my marriage. I'm scared to "get out there" whether it's via a dating app or some other medium. I'm afraid of being seen as a "failed 36-yo divorcee" and it serving as some kind of scarlet letter. Also, I don't think I realized the toll the divorce and subsequent verbally abusive behaviors from one of my parents in the intervening years did to my confidence. So yeah, i'm scared. But I'm also feeling lonely for the first time in a way that I think might mean I would like to seek out a companion/partner again...
As a procrastinator perfectionist, I am waiting to figure out what my next step after leaving fundraising is before I actually switch careers. I kind of fell into this career path after college and have never really given myself the space to actually think about what I want to do. I have a whole bunch of feelings/excuses about why I haven't figured out what's next yet but bottom line is that I'm terrified to leave the stability/benefits/etc of a 9-5 to try something out because what if I hate it? WOOF
Loved reading this and the comments! I was scared to join a weight lifting program b/c "who do I think I am?!" but it turned out to be amazing. I was afraid of failing my licensing exam, and I did, but then I tried again and passed. Maybe one first step is recognizing that failure sucks but it's inevitable? I'm forever and ever afraid of other people's opinions but working on that everyday.
Katie, you are not alone when it comes to making excuses about exercise. Of course your excuse has trauma attached to it. But I have never had the drive to exercise. In the past I would find some type of equipment to buy and use it regularly for about 6 weeks but then something happens and then the piece of equipment becomes a clothing rack. I can't figure out why exercise is such a drag for me. I love to dance, so lately I would get up and dance for about 15 minutes which is good but still I don't do it every day. As for being scared of something, it's the thought of going places that lead to being away from home for a full day or more. My anxiety has increased over the years so I worry about my cat being home alone, running into ornery people or too many people, my car breaking down, or just not having a good time. I used to love going on small trips and seeing new places but now the thought just scares me. I wish I didn't have this constant fear because part of me would still like to explore more.
I’ve been scared to admit I’m struggling with my mood more lately. I can come up with a lot of contributing factors - I’m a parent to two neurodivergent kids, it’s dreary and cold out, our family keeps getting sick. All of these externalities are relevant and also keeping the focus off of ME and MY mood. I had an aha moment about this last week and scheduled a therapy check-in. First steps…
54 here and my first thought after reading this is what if walking could be enough? Does everyone have to do an “exercise program”? I’ve never been an overly active person and yes, I now feel like moving and stretching my body will help with the aches and pains. So I’ve started walking more. And doing more yoga. And enjoying it! But I don’t see myself being someone who “works out” regularly. And maybe that is ok?
I’ve found (very counter-intuitively) that the more I give myself permission to just be where I am (and find ways of appreciating who I am) the less resistance I have and the easier it is to live into the changes that work for me. Still working on letting of this ideal image of who I “could be” if only…
LOVE this thread topic. As for me, I think I'm afraid of writing fiction (as odd as that sounds!). I've written a small handful of short stories, and even tried writing some fiction yesterday; it's just very, very, very hard for me to complete a story. I put so much pressure on myself for it to measure up to what I see out there in the published fiction market, which of course it can't!
I have almost no trouble writing nonfiction -- I've done that for so long, years ago as a journalist and now for my newsletter, that it's almost second hand. But fiction I put WAY up on a pedestal, because it's something I've always wanted to do and have lionized in my mind so many great fiction writers, that I wonder if I've built up in my head a mental block that makes it much harder than it should be. (Because I know writers who have the opposite problem -- they can write fiction easily, but *really* struggle with nonfiction.)
(By the way, if you need any help with running, I'd love to help!)
I'm currently housebound due to a yet to be determined illness, but likely chronic fatigue syndrome. I am terrified of everything right now because of all the crazy symptoms happening in my body- food, movement, too much cognitive work, environmental toxins- because I went down the Google rabbit hole in my desperation and discovered literally everything can be a trigger to make this illness worse. I know exposure therapy is the best chance of recovery for these kinds of fears, but when the medical advice is that anxiety makes you worse, I'm really at a loss as to what to do. All I am doing right now is trying to work on making myself calm until I can figure out what exactly is going on and how best to treat it.
I have always been scared of not being liked. It goes back to bullying in middle school where I strove to have everyone like me and then I became the target of a group of peers who left letters in my locker and teased me whenever I spoke up in class. Needless to say I still carry a lot of trauma around underperforming and letting people down. I take on too much and don't advocate for support since it backfired when I was a child. So now I'm afraid of success in work, bringing too much attention to my achievements or speaking up in meetings. Anxiety causes me to go into freeze or flight mode - meetings alone and public speaking make me very anxious to the point where I avoid them.
I'm 36 and was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple years ago. While on the road to recovery, I still find it sometimes scary to... just have fun. It feels like I have some sort of responsibility to be serious about things when I don't even want to. And I used to be such a fun person! She still comes out alone dancing in my apartment or with close friends. The easiest is with kids. But the casual coffee meetups with strangers, or worse friends who disappeared during the peak cancer days, it all feels very overwhelming sometimes. It's like I forgot to talk to people about things that don't involve cancer or death. I think ultimately I'm also afraid to admit it changed me on a core level. But maybe that's a good thing. Thank you for this thread <3
Well, holy shit. This is SO relatable. I'm a plus size woman that desperately wants to move my body and ACTUALLY enjoy it. It's been accomplished by so many of my fat peers, I see it on social media every day: a different world than the one I grew up in, fat people are welcome into gyms and all other physical activity things now.
But instead of taking advantage of this new narrative, I keep going back to all the inconveniences of the pain, the sweat, the lack of time that single parenting gives, etc. and prefer to sit comfortably with a very old belief to: movement is not safe for people like me.
At, 72, my knees are shot, but I want to avoid knee replacements as long as possible. The only thing I can do to compensate is strengthen my leg muscles and continue to lose weight. But both of those require awareness and decision, both of which easily disappear during the course of the day. Self-awareness is an intentional act and that's mental work. Don't bother me with any more thoughts. I have to pay attention to Family Feud!
One fear I overcame: quitting my job. How? I got a new boss that caused me panic attacks, so I decided I’d rather risk being without money than to live like I was living. The solution was to find a worse situation that the one I was facing so the first looked easier! Lol
One fear I’m working on: going back to dance classes. I danced throught my adolescence, but it was a very difficult environment (think the “Black Swan” movie). But dancing is the only working out activity I enjoy. I need something like that for my body and mind, but it’s been years I am postponing it.
(I’m not a native English speaker, so be kind with any mistake 💛)
As I work on launching my own newsletter and community space here on Substack, I find myself running into fears of all kinds of shapes and colours: will anyone read it? Am I going to say anything that hasn't been said before? Is there value in me sharing my voice with the world?
As a result, I find myself putting off some of the simple tasks of getting this thing going, even though I know it's going to be the thing that simultaneously gives me grounding and the wings to fly. I make up excuses, prioritise other things that I care much less about, and procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate... Which is to say, I let fear get in the way.
I've been thinking a lot about the value of my voice, and how I was taught from a young age that being quiet = being a good girl, and how I was actively rewarded the more I conformed and the less individuality I showed, mostly in the school environment I grew up in. Because of those experiences, I think I'm now so afraid to use my voice; I'm terrified of being judged and of being seen, because as a kid and teen, I felt like I had to swallow it all. Undoing this takes so much intentional effort, and practice, and COURAGE above all else.
I am 63. I finally realized that no one is paying attention to me. Most people are absorbed in their own self and insecurities. Very freeing.
A close friend from high school died in a highway car wreck the summer after our freshman year of college. Now 24 years later, I am still scared of road trips, but not to the point that I cannot do them. I can remember being knotted up with anxiety when a few of my college friends drove from NC to NYC and back over our fall break, just a couple of months after my friend had died. I held my breath that whole week, but they came back just fine. I am terrified of the day that my 11-year-old has to start learning how to drive. I think I will need a lot of therapy to help me deal!
One of my most stubborn, frustrating “little” avoidance issues is elevators. Almost 10 years ago, I was briefly stuck in one, and since then, I can’t understand how people casually go in them when that’s something that can happen. I’ve avoided job opportunities in skyscrapers, walked up and down dozens of flights of emergency exit stairs in hotels, and just gone to great lengths to avoid. Somehow EMDR has worked on big traumas in my life but not this. Being forced to occasionally face the fear and get in an elevator when there’s absolutely no other option hasn’t helped, either — I’ll still be in a state of complete panic before, during, and after. I’m proud of myself for big gains I’ve made in other areas. Maybe someday this one will stop torturing me. That exercise fear is also somewhat familiar, not because of any specific trauma but just because a rapid heartbeat, sweating, and feeling overheated were such telltale panic attack signs for so long that it’s hard to experience them and convince myself they’re from something more benign. I’ve made some gains there but will hold off until/if we are in “asking for advice” mode. :)
Wow. We’ll please know you are NOT alone. Although I don’t have the same story. I have severe anxiety. So when my heart races from working out it often feels like anxiety. So I am also scared.
I'm scared to need anything - I'm terrified that my needs are seen as too much or a burden on someone else. This has been something I've struggled with my whole life, and definitely goes hand-in-hand with being a pleaser. My parents didn't have a lot of time for me as a kid so I learned that I needed to give myself what I needed and if I couldn't, well, certainly don't say anything. And I've had jobs where speaking up about things that I need - clarity, boundaries, time off etc - has been punished, usually by insecure men in power who took any question as a challenge to their authority rather than an honest curiosity and need for support. I now work in a place where this is not the case at all - where my boss continually tells me that it is okay to have needs and to speak up about what I'm feeling. And yet, I'm fucking terrified to say anything. That maybe this one need was okay but if she hears the next four, that will be too much and the other shoe will drop.
Love this thread, it is relatable, daunting and super hard to get up and do it. I had a cardiac arrest in 2019 and a subsequent surgery for an ICD (implantable cardioverter defibrillator.) I was always a really fit active person but since the CA i am only a walker and pickleball player... yep I'm afraid. If my heartbeat goes bananas (goes into arrhythmia) the device will shock me, I will pass out, and wait for the device to restart my heart. Whew, i have never said those words out loud. So i am paralyzed by not wanting to raise my heart rate too high... I am so grateful to have my life and yet i am not as fit as i would like to be and i am so stuck.... :(
I think everyone can relate to this, whether they admit it or not! Right now, I'm scared of learning how to use Audacity to add audio to my Substack and personal blog. I've wanted to do it for a long time. I've downloaded Audacity. I want to put recordings behind a paywall (another thing I'm scared about -- paywalls!). I'm a librarian and reader. I have lots of experience reading aloud. But Audacity is complicated. The mic intimidates me. Will I sound stupid? Should I find some music to use (then there's the whole exploration of open source music & figuring out how to edit it into Audacity)? I want to sound warm and natural. Instead my test recordings sound tense and scared? anxious? Something that's not warm and natural! So I don't do it. Then I don't do it again. Yesterday, I did play around. Read a piece of poetry. Read an intro to my audio blog posts. It was OK ... I need to practice. Scared to practice!
I know you're not ready to look for advice about your current anxiety. No advice, but have you considered swimming? Less sweat. You can get a great workout walking in the water if you're not a swimmer. Lots of people do that. It's easy on your joints. You have a lifeguard watching you. Just sayin', there are lots of ways to exercise. You will find something right for you. I believe in you.
It started about 10 years ago? I am afraid to drive in snow. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. I live in Wisconsin and Washington state, so this come up a lot. Family have been pretty tolerant but I am tired of the stress and disruption it causes. I am also starting to get fearful of things like being in a tall building’s upper floor, being in a boat, taking an elevator (I feel you, sufferer who wrote about this already), walking down a country road on the wrong side, etc. I stay home a lot and do the things that are familiar to me so I don’t have to think about it very often. I have a train trip coming up, so we’ll see how that goes. Much appreciate this thread. I have long thought about EMDR.. maybe it is time to explore that...
Two years ago I was in two serious car accidents sixteen days apart, neither of which were my fault. In the first, I was t-boned in an intersection by a car that had run a red light going 35mph. In the second, I was rear-ended by a semi-truck traveling 40mph while I was at a complete stop on the highway. I have only driven through the first intersection once since then and still can't drive the stretch of highway where the semi hit me. I used to be a very confident driver, but am now highly anxious anytime I drive and it has really limited my ability to take even short road trips, especially on my own (which I have always loved doing). Thank you for this thread!
I’m scared of falling. In 2012, my nerves revolted against my body, slowly at first as these things go... and then all at once. I spun down to the ground picking up poop on an early morning walk with my then three dogs, and only got back up because the dog that is now with me stayed very still and let me use her butt as a crutch. There were a few falls in the house — some embarrassing — between that dog walk fall and the doctor appt to see what was wrong (CIDP) ... I’m much better, but I don’t go out without a walker or a cane, and I’m constantly scouring my environment for hand rails, walls to hug ... and a plan to pull myself up if I fall. It’s exhausting and some days, overwhelming. Still, I’m luckier than some...
I also wish I could get back to working out, but I also have this irrational fear of an elevated heart rate, falling over and sorta making my problem everyone else’s around me. I eat as little as possible to stay as light as I can just in case someone does need to haul me up... and I love cake!! 🥲 🤪
I had a minor car accident 12 years ago. It wasn't my fault but a motorcyclist received very minor injuries - not requiring hospital visit. But still I was very shocked and immediately lost my driving confidence for a couple of years. I didn't drive for 6 months and only short essential journeys for 2 years. My anxiety was through the roof. Gradually - very gradually I got my confidence back. It was just very slow. 12 years on I am back to confident driver who loves to drive. But it took about 5 years to completely recover. Thank you for sharing your stories. We are all so brave!
I'm afraid to go back to work and I have a small part time job but I don't know if I'll get past that and get a bigger more rewarding job-- not that the job I have now isn't rewarding, but monetarily, lol. It's some weird work anxiety I have.
I'm late to the comments!
I am in a place in my life where I need to do the creative work I believe in by myself.
Finally I have worked through the fear of betrayal and moving on without the partner I lost in late 2016. It's terrifying thinking that I won't be enough or will not do justice to my values and lived experience or have an audience. Usual artist backstory: I've never had support for my work from my family of origin and I always had a creative partner.
Now I have people who love me big time and the entire burden of creative responsibility.
It's lonely and scary but only gets lonelier and scarier the longer I put it off.
Many peers and former partners are very successful in their respective arenas and so the pressure feels impossible.
Also: some quick gratitude to everyone on this thread!!
This was one of the most meaningful reads in a very long time because of your snapshots of your lives and how now unusual fear is, especially coming out of trauma. Thank you so much for all each of you said! (I feel weirdly drawn to put on Family Feud!)
P.S. Katie,
Being so close to the loss of a 28-year old family member a little over a year ago from a heart something that happened out of the blue, I so appreciated that vulnerability. Conversations on the news about anything similar (whether it's Damar Hamlin or a random celebrity) also send me into spirals and I can only imagine the way that impacts someone that with a front seat to that trauma. Thank you for being as open as you are brave. It's incredibly inspiring and also has me wishing there were ways for all of us here to bolster your own heart as you move through all these emotions.
One of my biggest current fears is getting out there and trying to make new friends in my new city. I've been here a year, so not so new anymore, but making new friends in your 30s is so challenging! I keep putting off joining new groups, trying meet-ups, etc., because some part of me is still the little kid who's at a new school and doesn't know anyone. This stuff doesn't come naturally to my introverted self. This is something I'm hoping to work on this year. :)
This so resonated with me! I am someone who has suffered patellar dislocations since I was in fifth grade. A year and half ago I had a bad fall and this dislocation was by far the worst I have ever suffered in my 50 years. The trauma is something I battle with even today and I have the same relationship to exercise and sports as you seem to. I desperately need to be on track always yet have million excuses that stop me. Fear is such a horrible battle!
Maybe later I will pop in and tell you about my phobia. For now I'll just share I was reading this article last night. In a way, it is nothing new. In another way, so much of it resonated. But it said, "you can take intentional, straightforward, research-backed steps to set yourself free." Today I am trying that.
https://hbr.org/2023/03/how-high-achievers-overcome-their-anxiety
You know how a lot of people were saying – go ahead, apply for that stuff, who knows you will get it?! I would spend days to compose the most perfect proposal, but then I never get it, and then I get highly critical of my own self *every* single time even though I absolutely understand that there are many factors that would lead to these rejections, and it is not solely about me being incompetent. Then I never apply for things for months.
But then some other opportunities come up and I apply to those things again, get rejected (or get accepted in some cases, although the ratio rejected:accepted is quite small), sulked, then do it again. Incandescent!
This thread is making me feel less alone. I'm afraid of making my creative pursuits public. I love writing, and sometimes I feel compelled to share it, but then I think about criticism I might receive or what people might think of me if I'm too vulnerable. I've been mired in perfectionism since as far as I can remember, and I know its rooted in being afraid that if I make a mistake I won't be liked or loved.
Saying no. Historically, I’ve always been somewhat of a people pleaser & afraid to say “no” for fear of upsetting or offending someone. As I got older I gained courage little by little, but sometimes still struggle to say “no thanks” without feeling like I have to justify it or explain myself. I’ve moved around a lot but always was able to meet people and make friends -- but our last move in our mid 30s has been the most challenging. People are established and have their networks and social circles already. Now at 37 with a 2 year old, my husband and I have finalllyyy found other families we enjoy hanging out with and our kids get along. But I still catch myself feeling bad sometimes when declining an invite. It took a traumatic 2022 (2 family members got very sick) for me to fully realize how important it is to own my “no’s” & protect my time... though one of our most valuable assets, time is not guaranteed and should be spent doing things we want with people we enjoy... certainly not squandered for fear of saying “no thanks.”
One thing I was scared of doing for a long time was improv classes. People had recommended their various benefits to me for years, but I didn't see the point and also part of me just didn't want to look stupid in front of a group of other people, or maybe realize that I'm not as witty or as funny as I thought. Fast forward to this year and a stranger in a mutual girls FB group mentioned she was taking classes, and asked if anyone wanted to join. On a whim I said yes and began my 8 week journey. It has been the most fun thing I have done in a long time and now I am even looking at taking the more advanced level classes. It challenges me to think differently, and has boosted my confidence in ways outside of the class which I did not expect. My main takeaway from it has been that it is not about being funny or witty, but instead is just about committing to even the smallest things and going with them and being proud of that. Most of it is just playing various games, and occasionally there are times when no one steps up to the plate to keep the game moving. My teacher always says "The only way we do not move forward, is if we all stand here and do nothing." I've thought about this a lot in my daily life and just remind myself that doing anything at all, even the smallest act, is a way of moving forward.
I was once scared of starting writing my book, then I did it every Mon-Thurs morning for about two months and it turned out to be fine. But then I stopped writing for a reason I can't remember, and now I'm scared to start writing again. And I'm not sure why. I know I can do it, I have done it. But still I'm scared to open up that document again and continue. I tell myself I have no time (even though I was able to find time during those two months). I tell myself what I wrote is no good (knowing full well how to make it better). I tell myself the book will never be published (though there is value in the writing itself). I tell myself I don't know how to interview the people I want to interview for my book (even though I know I can easily find out using Google). A million excuses not to (re)start indeed.
I got divorced a couple of years ago during the start of the pandemic. I am now toying with the idea of dating again for the first time since the end of my marriage. I'm scared to "get out there" whether it's via a dating app or some other medium. I'm afraid of being seen as a "failed 36-yo divorcee" and it serving as some kind of scarlet letter. Also, I don't think I realized the toll the divorce and subsequent verbally abusive behaviors from one of my parents in the intervening years did to my confidence. So yeah, i'm scared. But I'm also feeling lonely for the first time in a way that I think might mean I would like to seek out a companion/partner again...
As a procrastinator perfectionist, I am waiting to figure out what my next step after leaving fundraising is before I actually switch careers. I kind of fell into this career path after college and have never really given myself the space to actually think about what I want to do. I have a whole bunch of feelings/excuses about why I haven't figured out what's next yet but bottom line is that I'm terrified to leave the stability/benefits/etc of a 9-5 to try something out because what if I hate it? WOOF
Loved reading this and the comments! I was scared to join a weight lifting program b/c "who do I think I am?!" but it turned out to be amazing. I was afraid of failing my licensing exam, and I did, but then I tried again and passed. Maybe one first step is recognizing that failure sucks but it's inevitable? I'm forever and ever afraid of other people's opinions but working on that everyday.
Katie, you are not alone when it comes to making excuses about exercise. Of course your excuse has trauma attached to it. But I have never had the drive to exercise. In the past I would find some type of equipment to buy and use it regularly for about 6 weeks but then something happens and then the piece of equipment becomes a clothing rack. I can't figure out why exercise is such a drag for me. I love to dance, so lately I would get up and dance for about 15 minutes which is good but still I don't do it every day. As for being scared of something, it's the thought of going places that lead to being away from home for a full day or more. My anxiety has increased over the years so I worry about my cat being home alone, running into ornery people or too many people, my car breaking down, or just not having a good time. I used to love going on small trips and seeing new places but now the thought just scares me. I wish I didn't have this constant fear because part of me would still like to explore more.
I’ve been scared to admit I’m struggling with my mood more lately. I can come up with a lot of contributing factors - I’m a parent to two neurodivergent kids, it’s dreary and cold out, our family keeps getting sick. All of these externalities are relevant and also keeping the focus off of ME and MY mood. I had an aha moment about this last week and scheduled a therapy check-in. First steps…
54 here and my first thought after reading this is what if walking could be enough? Does everyone have to do an “exercise program”? I’ve never been an overly active person and yes, I now feel like moving and stretching my body will help with the aches and pains. So I’ve started walking more. And doing more yoga. And enjoying it! But I don’t see myself being someone who “works out” regularly. And maybe that is ok?
I’ve found (very counter-intuitively) that the more I give myself permission to just be where I am (and find ways of appreciating who I am) the less resistance I have and the easier it is to live into the changes that work for me. Still working on letting of this ideal image of who I “could be” if only…
I wasn’t who I am?
LOVE this thread topic. As for me, I think I'm afraid of writing fiction (as odd as that sounds!). I've written a small handful of short stories, and even tried writing some fiction yesterday; it's just very, very, very hard for me to complete a story. I put so much pressure on myself for it to measure up to what I see out there in the published fiction market, which of course it can't!
I have almost no trouble writing nonfiction -- I've done that for so long, years ago as a journalist and now for my newsletter, that it's almost second hand. But fiction I put WAY up on a pedestal, because it's something I've always wanted to do and have lionized in my mind so many great fiction writers, that I wonder if I've built up in my head a mental block that makes it much harder than it should be. (Because I know writers who have the opposite problem -- they can write fiction easily, but *really* struggle with nonfiction.)
(By the way, if you need any help with running, I'd love to help!)
I'm currently housebound due to a yet to be determined illness, but likely chronic fatigue syndrome. I am terrified of everything right now because of all the crazy symptoms happening in my body- food, movement, too much cognitive work, environmental toxins- because I went down the Google rabbit hole in my desperation and discovered literally everything can be a trigger to make this illness worse. I know exposure therapy is the best chance of recovery for these kinds of fears, but when the medical advice is that anxiety makes you worse, I'm really at a loss as to what to do. All I am doing right now is trying to work on making myself calm until I can figure out what exactly is going on and how best to treat it.