This is such a great perspective. I lost my dad suddenly in 2017, and it seems so strange to me how this many years have passed. I always feel awkward and anxious around the anniversaries (birth, death) because it is so tempting to relive that immediate time but it also feels like picking at a wound just because... I'm supposed to? I never quite know what to do with myself and focusing on remembrance of the person vs the end and the awful fallout from it is better for me and for his memory <3
Yes! Exactly... Like, you just don't know what to do with yourself, so the trauma-informed part of the brain takes over. And what you said about picking at a wound ... Yep. I'm SO guilty of that (in the literal AND emotional sense!).
I'm sorry you are unfortunately familiar this feeling. But it's nice to know we're not alone 💙 thank you for sharing.
I lost my mom a little over 3 years ago now (Jan 2020)- and I totally relate and tbh would have been upset by the therapist's comment as well. Seems harsh in the face of what you're going through no matter what the case and scenario happens go be. Besides that though, waking up myself and feeling sad about my own grief I live with each day (3 years isn't long as you said even if it seems long in other situations)- I'm glad I got this from you both. Rebecca, I totally get it and feel so much for you. Losing anyone, let alone a parent is the hardest thing I have ever and probably will ever go through. My heart reaches out to you and sends you hugs. And Katie, thanks for letting us get to read Rebecca's incredibly honest and open writing. Sometimes we really don't know what we need when we wake up sad and feeling alone and there it is-- right in our emails waiting to be read next on Tuesday morning. Thank you both. ❤️
It seemed harsh, but thankfully I have a very close, trusting relationship with my therapist. She knows how and when to bring those observations up for consideration ... But I did tell her in my session today I was a bit upset initially! She said she totally understood, but felt it needed to be said. And I agreed and thanked her ... It really was an important reframe, and it came at the right moment.
Thank you so much, Laura, for you kind words. It means so much to me that I was able to provide you, too, with something you needed at just the right time 💞 I see you on your journey ... Big hugs right back at you!
My deepest condolences on losing your Dad. I never met him, but when we were friends many years ago, I vividly remember sending mail to you via your father's PO box in Acworth.
Jeff, wow! How nice to hear from you. I appreciate your condolences and well wishes — it's been a rough past few years, but I'm still trucking along (as well as I can, anyway!). I hope you're doing well, too ❤️
As a writer, I really appreciate the exploration of your resistance to write that thought-out essay, and how far exploring and mentioning that resistance took you. I hope your day today is full of amazing memories.
Also, I am biased, but this came out today and I thought you may appreciate it:
I seem to be older than some of the writers, and I'm not much of a writer.
I lost my spouse to an unexpected lethal cancer 2 years ago.
Although at my age (early 70s) it seems I would have had plenty of experience with loss and grief and/or process. But this shock has been so devastating I seek any little bits of wisdom or comfort as if they were flotsam around the Titanic and I'm still in the cold water waiting for what . . . grab on to something, anything and keep moving to stay warm, keep your head above water, go along.
Oh BJ. You’re a beautiful writer. And I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. I don’t think it matters what age you are; there are some losses in life that rock you to your core and make it hard to feel like you’ll ever find solid ground again. But you will. I promise. The immense grief you’re experiencing is proof of how deeply you loved your spouse—and vice versa. I’m sending you love as you make your way through the shock and heartache.
This is such a great perspective. I lost my dad suddenly in 2017, and it seems so strange to me how this many years have passed. I always feel awkward and anxious around the anniversaries (birth, death) because it is so tempting to relive that immediate time but it also feels like picking at a wound just because... I'm supposed to? I never quite know what to do with myself and focusing on remembrance of the person vs the end and the awful fallout from it is better for me and for his memory <3
Yes! Exactly... Like, you just don't know what to do with yourself, so the trauma-informed part of the brain takes over. And what you said about picking at a wound ... Yep. I'm SO guilty of that (in the literal AND emotional sense!).
I'm sorry you are unfortunately familiar this feeling. But it's nice to know we're not alone 💙 thank you for sharing.
I lost my mom a little over 3 years ago now (Jan 2020)- and I totally relate and tbh would have been upset by the therapist's comment as well. Seems harsh in the face of what you're going through no matter what the case and scenario happens go be. Besides that though, waking up myself and feeling sad about my own grief I live with each day (3 years isn't long as you said even if it seems long in other situations)- I'm glad I got this from you both. Rebecca, I totally get it and feel so much for you. Losing anyone, let alone a parent is the hardest thing I have ever and probably will ever go through. My heart reaches out to you and sends you hugs. And Katie, thanks for letting us get to read Rebecca's incredibly honest and open writing. Sometimes we really don't know what we need when we wake up sad and feeling alone and there it is-- right in our emails waiting to be read next on Tuesday morning. Thank you both. ❤️
It seemed harsh, but thankfully I have a very close, trusting relationship with my therapist. She knows how and when to bring those observations up for consideration ... But I did tell her in my session today I was a bit upset initially! She said she totally understood, but felt it needed to be said. And I agreed and thanked her ... It really was an important reframe, and it came at the right moment.
Thank you so much, Laura, for you kind words. It means so much to me that I was able to provide you, too, with something you needed at just the right time 💞 I see you on your journey ... Big hugs right back at you!
Dear Becca:
My deepest condolences on losing your Dad. I never met him, but when we were friends many years ago, I vividly remember sending mail to you via your father's PO box in Acworth.
I sincerely hope you are doing well,
Jeff McCausland
Jeff, wow! How nice to hear from you. I appreciate your condolences and well wishes — it's been a rough past few years, but I'm still trucking along (as well as I can, anyway!). I hope you're doing well, too ❤️
Thanks for this, Rebecca.
As a writer, I really appreciate the exploration of your resistance to write that thought-out essay, and how far exploring and mentioning that resistance took you. I hope your day today is full of amazing memories.
Also, I am biased, but this came out today and I thought you may appreciate it:
https://ipereyra.substack.com/p/speaking-about-death-with-my-son
I love this how it connects, and, how we all connect in one way or another like ripples as they span out. Really thoughtful.
That's a beautiful sentiment. Thank you, Jon.
I seem to be older than some of the writers, and I'm not much of a writer.
I lost my spouse to an unexpected lethal cancer 2 years ago.
Although at my age (early 70s) it seems I would have had plenty of experience with loss and grief and/or process. But this shock has been so devastating I seek any little bits of wisdom or comfort as if they were flotsam around the Titanic and I'm still in the cold water waiting for what . . . grab on to something, anything and keep moving to stay warm, keep your head above water, go along.
Oh BJ. You’re a beautiful writer. And I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. I don’t think it matters what age you are; there are some losses in life that rock you to your core and make it hard to feel like you’ll ever find solid ground again. But you will. I promise. The immense grief you’re experiencing is proof of how deeply you loved your spouse—and vice versa. I’m sending you love as you make your way through the shock and heartache.