I too did not feel “love at first sight” holding my son for the first time, and I too felt guilty about it for a long time! I expected to feel an instant connection but then I was like, “Who is this? I don’t know this person.” Now I think of it as just the shock of realizing that my baby is a separate person than me, his own person, and that is delightful and astonishing and healthy to realize.
Deep gratitude for this post and the strength it takes to re-live things by writing them and offering them to others. I’m so sorry you’ve been through it, too, and so thankful I found this newsletter today. I chose to try again after a loss that still floors me, and it was very brave, but until today I didn’t see it that way. I saw myself as desperate, and then lucky. But every one of us who has the chance to love another person is lucky, and trying again isn’t desperate, it’s the only thing I could do. So today I'm embracing brave.
Oct 15·edited Oct 15Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Wow, this essay really got to me today. Thank you so much for writing it, Katie. I, too, had an emergency c-section after an induction that didn't work as planned. But still, for the first two weeks after my daughter was born, I felt so happy and full of love for her, it made me cry. Then, things totally changed. My husband and I both plunged into postpartum depression. My daughter also started crying so often and was so inconsolable, I felt completely useless as a mother. The baby crying phase morphed into an intense toddler phase with tantrums so wild I thought we'd never survive. Along the way, I beat myself up for feeling more frustrated and angry by motherhood than joyful and full of love. My daughter also turns 4 very soon, and it has taken a long time for me to truly understand this incredible, intense, and deeply feeling kiddo -- and to learn how to love her the way she needs to be loved. I never thought of love as a learning process until now -- I was definitely a love at first sight person. But this child has given me the gift of this insight. And the love I feel for her now is all the more profound because of it. And yes, love absolutely is bravery!
Katie! Thank you for sharing this. It's so confusing when things don't feel or look the way you expect them to. But love as a learning process — yes! That's a perfect way to put it. <3
My first child was born by C-section also because he was breech. I had been through hours of labour before they figured this out.
Exhausted, they handed me my baby and I did not care. I only wanted sleep. My body hurt and I felt so many feelings of guilt, frustration, and anger that I didn’t finish the job, that the doctors couldn’t tell a butt from a head, that I had no room for love.
It didn’t lady long, but it was hard to admit for a long while after.
When my son was born and they placed him on my chest, I could only think about the pain I was in as they pressed on my abdomen to move the placenta and I thought “What just happened!?”. The love came later, after putting myself first (probably for the last time). I remember my husband crying as he looked upon him. It’s been 11 years and the love takes my breath away everyday.
Billy was in tears too! It makes sense that it takes the person who gave birth a little time to catch up. Also: “The love takes my breath away everyday” is so beautiful!
This is so beautiful. And so brave. And I too did not experience love at first sight when I held my son for the first time (for different, albeit also entirely understandable, reasons). But I too now love him more than I could ever have imagined. ❤️
Love this so much. After loss, it is so, so scary to open our hearts. I am terrified every day! Thank you for reminding me of my bravery. You are incredible!
Your reflections on love as bravery beautifully underscore the vulnerability of human connection. When you say, "Loving other people is the bravest thing we can do," it seems to remind us that opening our hearts despite life’s uncertainties is an extraordinary act of courage.
I, too, felt overwhelmed-- at a difficult labor and delivery that didn't go the way I had envisioned, and after 58 hours felt so exhausted and my body so broken that it was hard to process it all. Mostly, I felt relief that the process was finally over. The overwhelming love for my daughter came later and continues to become more overwhelming every day. It is comforting to hear others speak of this, and I agree, that for some of us, in order to love someone fully, we need to get to know them over time.
This was so beautiful. I am not a parent but hope to be soon as it has been difficult for us to conceive but remembering that love is bravery each day we live is a true statement. Thank you for this. I'm loving your work.
Oh Katie, I felt this post deep inside my soul... It was like a reflection inside me where no one goes but me. Your words got into that space in me. Love is Bravery... After the loss of my husband and then my daughter just 4 years later so much of my love has died. And I'm afraid to love... until just now.
Love is bravery... I monitor my love for others. I'm careful who I love and how much I love. Katie, your words turned a light on in my soul. Love is bravery.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart... I promise you that I will begin to journal this and let more love into those sad, broken places in my soul. I will let it in and learn, become stronger and BRAVE.
I too did not feel “love at first sight” holding my son for the first time, and I too felt guilty about it for a long time! I expected to feel an instant connection but then I was like, “Who is this? I don’t know this person.” Now I think of it as just the shock of realizing that my baby is a separate person than me, his own person, and that is delightful and astonishing and healthy to realize.
I had that same thought too! That makes me feel so much better, Emily. Thank you.
Deep gratitude for this post and the strength it takes to re-live things by writing them and offering them to others. I’m so sorry you’ve been through it, too, and so thankful I found this newsletter today. I chose to try again after a loss that still floors me, and it was very brave, but until today I didn’t see it that way. I saw myself as desperate, and then lucky. But every one of us who has the chance to love another person is lucky, and trying again isn’t desperate, it’s the only thing I could do. So today I'm embracing brave.
Thank you, Tilda! This comment means so much.
Yes! Embrace the brave ❤️🔥
Wow, this essay really got to me today. Thank you so much for writing it, Katie. I, too, had an emergency c-section after an induction that didn't work as planned. But still, for the first two weeks after my daughter was born, I felt so happy and full of love for her, it made me cry. Then, things totally changed. My husband and I both plunged into postpartum depression. My daughter also started crying so often and was so inconsolable, I felt completely useless as a mother. The baby crying phase morphed into an intense toddler phase with tantrums so wild I thought we'd never survive. Along the way, I beat myself up for feeling more frustrated and angry by motherhood than joyful and full of love. My daughter also turns 4 very soon, and it has taken a long time for me to truly understand this incredible, intense, and deeply feeling kiddo -- and to learn how to love her the way she needs to be loved. I never thought of love as a learning process until now -- I was definitely a love at first sight person. But this child has given me the gift of this insight. And the love I feel for her now is all the more profound because of it. And yes, love absolutely is bravery!
Katie! Thank you for sharing this. It's so confusing when things don't feel or look the way you expect them to. But love as a learning process — yes! That's a perfect way to put it. <3
My first child was born by C-section also because he was breech. I had been through hours of labour before they figured this out.
Exhausted, they handed me my baby and I did not care. I only wanted sleep. My body hurt and I felt so many feelings of guilt, frustration, and anger that I didn’t finish the job, that the doctors couldn’t tell a butt from a head, that I had no room for love.
It didn’t lady long, but it was hard to admit for a long while after.
You are not alone. You never were. 💕
Patricia! You have no idea how much I needed to read this. Thank you for sharing.
You are most welcome. I must admit, I had a pang of anger on your behalf over a few things.
1 They decided your child’s birthday to make it convenient.
2 The meds they gave you created the situation that caused the emergency.
3. Classifying you at risk solely by age?
Perhaps I read it wrong and made assumptions?
Your body was fertile and ready for this sweet baby. That little soul came to be born to you. All was perfect and good.
Love is brave. The world can be a harsh place but love conquers all.
I hope you have forgiven yourself for any feelings you experienced going through the hospital determined birth experience.
What matters is that you live bravely now. The rest was a blip in time.
💞
When my son was born and they placed him on my chest, I could only think about the pain I was in as they pressed on my abdomen to move the placenta and I thought “What just happened!?”. The love came later, after putting myself first (probably for the last time). I remember my husband crying as he looked upon him. It’s been 11 years and the love takes my breath away everyday.
Billy was in tears too! It makes sense that it takes the person who gave birth a little time to catch up. Also: “The love takes my breath away everyday” is so beautiful!
This is so beautiful. And so brave. And I too did not experience love at first sight when I held my son for the first time (for different, albeit also entirely understandable, reasons). But I too now love him more than I could ever have imagined. ❤️
Thank you. Annabel. (And I really didn’t expect so many readers to share this experience! I feel so comforted.)
Love this so much. After loss, it is so, so scary to open our hearts. I am terrified every day! Thank you for reminding me of my bravery. You are incredible!
As are you, Victoria!
Tears.... so beautiful, Katie!
Our conversation inspired so much of this post!
Your reflections on love as bravery beautifully underscore the vulnerability of human connection. When you say, "Loving other people is the bravest thing we can do," it seems to remind us that opening our hearts despite life’s uncertainties is an extraordinary act of courage.
Thanks, Jon!
Beautifully expressed, Katie.
Thank you for reading!
Beautiful and vulnerable. Thank you for your illumination this morning.
Thank you, Pam!
I, too, felt overwhelmed-- at a difficult labor and delivery that didn't go the way I had envisioned, and after 58 hours felt so exhausted and my body so broken that it was hard to process it all. Mostly, I felt relief that the process was finally over. The overwhelming love for my daughter came later and continues to become more overwhelming every day. It is comforting to hear others speak of this, and I agree, that for some of us, in order to love someone fully, we need to get to know them over time.
I am touched by how many people are bravely sharing their stories! This is such an unexpected gift.
This was so beautiful. I am not a parent but hope to be soon as it has been difficult for us to conceive but remembering that love is bravery each day we live is a true statement. Thank you for this. I'm loving your work.
Thank you, Theresa. I'm sending you love as you bravely navigate the path ahead.
Oh Katie, I felt this post deep inside my soul... It was like a reflection inside me where no one goes but me. Your words got into that space in me. Love is Bravery... After the loss of my husband and then my daughter just 4 years later so much of my love has died. And I'm afraid to love... until just now.
Love is bravery... I monitor my love for others. I'm careful who I love and how much I love. Katie, your words turned a light on in my soul. Love is bravery.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart... I promise you that I will begin to journal this and let more love into those sad, broken places in my soul. I will let it in and learn, become stronger and BRAVE.
Love is Bravery... I can become Brave again
So much courage here.
I research courage and bravery - it’s what I live and breathe intellectually, when I’m not braving single parenting.
Both remind me every day that nothing matters more, makes us more vulnerable and can give us much joy as loving someone. Being loved.