May 3, 2022Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Ah Becca, so much here. Grief is certainly a non-linear process, and especially so with a sudden death there was no preparing for. I'm in year 2 after my mom died (heart attack, also sudden and unexpected) and it has been hard in completely different - and more "inner" ways. Please be kind to yourself. You have walked this road the best way you could and as you shift, don't be hard on the self or a month ago or a year ago for walking it the best way she could.
We all "perform" don't we? Yes, we are convincing ourselves we are ok. We want support and we are afraid if people knew the truth they would run from us, which is unlikely true but the fear comes from real need and real experience. You went through this in a pandemic too, which damn, that has made it harder to get that support. I often note that I can be ok and something else at the same time. Brene Brown talks about "2 word check-ins" and I like to do that with myself. "I'm ok...and I'm unsettled". "I'm sad and curious." I've called my dad almost every day since my mom died (16 months now). We always say we are ok - but then we talk. And I get a sense of his struggles even if he's just complaining about the news. And he gets a sense of mine. And this of course is what doesn't happen in the brevity of social media.
I love that your dad is reaching out to you - at least that's my sense. An opportunity to let him be a part of your life in a new and different way. To bring back into your life something that's missing. Your note about the 5 year old reminds me of the time my niece at about 5 sat down on my floor and started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I miss my dog". The dog had been given away (long story but necessary) when she was 3. The grief was absolutely real and we talked about her dog. In helping her with her grief, I recognized some of my own that I had never processed.
Be kind, find what works, try to recognize when something is hard for you to be with it - but don't punish yourself for only being able to be with it in bits and pieces. Self-compassion is so critical to healing. Much love to you.
Ah Becca, so much here. Grief is certainly a non-linear process, and especially so with a sudden death there was no preparing for. I'm in year 2 after my mom died (heart attack, also sudden and unexpected) and it has been hard in completely different - and more "inner" ways. Please be kind to yourself. You have walked this road the best way you could and as you shift, don't be hard on the self or a month ago or a year ago for walking it the best way she could.
We all "perform" don't we? Yes, we are convincing ourselves we are ok. We want support and we are afraid if people knew the truth they would run from us, which is unlikely true but the fear comes from real need and real experience. You went through this in a pandemic too, which damn, that has made it harder to get that support. I often note that I can be ok and something else at the same time. Brene Brown talks about "2 word check-ins" and I like to do that with myself. "I'm ok...and I'm unsettled". "I'm sad and curious." I've called my dad almost every day since my mom died (16 months now). We always say we are ok - but then we talk. And I get a sense of his struggles even if he's just complaining about the news. And he gets a sense of mine. And this of course is what doesn't happen in the brevity of social media.
I love that your dad is reaching out to you - at least that's my sense. An opportunity to let him be a part of your life in a new and different way. To bring back into your life something that's missing. Your note about the 5 year old reminds me of the time my niece at about 5 sat down on my floor and started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I miss my dog". The dog had been given away (long story but necessary) when she was 3. The grief was absolutely real and we talked about her dog. In helping her with her grief, I recognized some of my own that I had never processed.
Be kind, find what works, try to recognize when something is hard for you to be with it - but don't punish yourself for only being able to be with it in bits and pieces. Self-compassion is so critical to healing. Much love to you.
At risk of applauding on another medium, this is such a needed and missed conversation. I love you, Becca!
Thanks for taking the scary risk to heal in a world without hashtags. I’ll be thinking about your dad today.