Sep 12, 2023Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
Maybe the reader paradox is that we don’t notice if you’re not writing as much - we’re just happy when you do. I appreciate the malaise and writing about it and honestly would gladly read about trying to get a newsletter out through PMS.
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Hard same. Or how to write when triggered/anxious. I’ve loved coming back to writing this year, and also found it impossible to write about anything I was going through in real-time, because so much of it would’ve touched on my relationship with my partner. Not about him, but about me and how challenging it was for me to let someone in—and the emotional/physical challenges I experienced (thanks to complex PTSD) made writing feel impossible some weeks. I also knew I needed to share it with him first, not with the world. Unless the topics are happy, I definitely find writing about anything that touches on our thankfully alive people hard! Thanks for helping me feel less alone in that, Katie ❤️
I should have also noted that I read a lot as I was finding my way through grief and The Year of Less was one of the books I devoured! Feels so full-circle (and surreal) for you to comment on this!!
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
I think you've described something I've been feeling but couldn't identify. I've written about the loss of my brother and dad and at times it seems easier at times than writing " wow I'm drowning in the minutiae and repetition of raising small children."
ps. my freshly minted middle schooler and her friend googled me during computer class recently--a reminder to keep untangling what's mine and hers to keep!!
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Maybe part of the issue of talking about medium unhappy is because it’s always a both/and and we fear people won’t see that. Parenting is hard and I love my kid. I’m unhappy and I have so many privileges. Both/and is tricky to talk about in our world right now, especially if we fear judgement online.
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
I really relate to this. And bringing up a child is a wonderful privilege, but it’s also gruelling & involves a lot of routine & repetition and, in many ways, curtails freedom. While I’m so grateful to be where I’m at now in my life, I also - in some ways - strangely miss the intensity of the time I had cancer. Not that I wish to go back there, obviously...Yet it was a time when life was so heightened, and I had so much time & freedom, so many opportunities to reinvent my life in its aftermath.
Sep 13, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Loved this, and all the comments posted. Whether it be death, birth, inspirations, mundane every day-ness, I feel like we are in the doldrums of a post pandemic; a political division; and the reality of climate changes.
We are still trying to navigate this new world that has been birthed because of all of it.
I liked that there is a name for the paradox we are going through, but when it comes down to it on any given day, we are just doing the best we can to string along each individual “in the now” moments. Eventually there comes a story of, about or from them. This is life on a planet called “Earth School”. Some of us have been in class a bit longer--I’m fast approaching my 71’st run around the sun--more like a slow saunter now though. Yet, I still have dreams, desires and yes, dodgy days of PMS even though I’ve not had a period for close to 22 years. Now my PMS days are more of the Physical, Mental, and Spiritual sort. With each passing year comes wisdom, and more wisdom, and regrets, yes those too but we still learn from them. Or, as I used to tell my then newly “minted” adult children, when they’d look at me incredulously over something I said that i thought was profound... “What? I didn’t get to be this age only to stay stupid all my life!”
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
I'm so sorry for your loss, Katie. I had a similar experience when I lost my brother. Writing was a way to unknot the pain and remember the moments I'd forgotten. Beautiful post.
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
I’ve been feeling stagnant, too, and have this sort of imposter syndrome about it. Like, why should I complain about feeling sad and lonely and bored when my husband had a bad day at work, or my friend’s dog died, or another friend is moving across the country?
I guess mundane woes of existence just aren’t as flashy as the big, life-altering ones. Even though they can be similarly (albeit less) impactful.
Thank you for always sharing what you’re thinking and feeling. 💕
Sep 13, 2023Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
I really felt engaged by the piece. Brilliant!
I want to say that our boundaries are our own and that we get to decide what we can and should write about. There will always be someone who wants to read - needs to read - what we have written. But, as someone who has been written about (my wife is a published memoirist), I will say that I hope our boundaries are defined by love, or at least compassion, for the people who populate our work.
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
I feel like you’re writing from inside my brain!! Exactly this. All of it. The stories poured out in the early days of deep grief after my divorce. Writing felt like a matter of survival.
But now, life just feels more like.. life. I’m no longer single. There are new characters in my life who open up new questions of permission.
Which is great! It’s what I’ve been working so hard towards! And! I have no idea how to write authentically about this current phase. I question whether I still have interesting things to say.
All this to say, I’m glad you wrote it. An everyday story is exactly what I needed to hear.
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Full disclosure: I'm 62, and all 4 of my children are now grown up and married. I have to say, especially after reading many of the responses here, that I've noticed something about parents over the last 5-10 years. They tend to have the kids SO involved in organized activities that both the kids and parents can't help but be exhausted. I remember well the years of having small kids. With 4 over a 10 year span, we had them at all "kid stages" at once! Please give yourselves and the kids a little bit of a break. First of all, give yourself a break - raising kids doesn't come with a how-to manual. And yet 99+% of us do a great job! Second, while letting the kids get involved in whatever, remember that they're still kids. They need time to play and explore independently in order to figure out this whole big world, and to let their bodies and brains develop. And last, and most important, ENJOY EVERY MINUTE of having them around. Soon enough they'll be grown up and on their own. Cliché, but oh, too true.
Sep 13, 2023Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
I know what you mean. But it's hard to teach the kids not to give in to peer pressure when they see parents doing it. Do what is comfortable and right for your family and your kids, but don't be afraid to buck the trend.
Sep 12, 2023Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
I am feeling something similar now--I moved in with my partner last month, and while it's been great, there are parts that are bittersweet--like the loss of my routines, my writing time, my alone-at-the-kitchen-table-with-coffee-and-my-dog-and-the-morning-silence time, the feeling of doing whatever was good for me. It feels a little bit like losing a part of myself, but then feeling bad about thinking this way since this is what I've wanted for a long time. Life. It's all so cyclical.
I feel like after my husband started working from home full-time when COVID started is when this sentiment really snuck up on me. Even three years later, it can be a challenge to feel like there's space to be just ... me. (Even harder with two younger kids!)
Getting out of the house for walks and, more recently, starting some routine hobbies has been helpful in working through those feelings.
Sep 13, 2023Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
Ah Jill I totally relate to this. As much as I love my partner and am so grateful to be living with him and sharing our life together, I sometimes miss single me who didn't have to think so much about merging our lives together. It feels hard to say that because it implies somehow that then there must be something "wrong" then with the relationship. But in reality, it's just grieving that phase of our lives and that part of our identity. I was single for so long it became a part of how I understood myself. Getting to know myself in a relationship, especially living with a partner, was a very new feeling. It helps to have nights completely alone to myself to do whatever I want to do - nights like I'm having tonight, spending it watching TV shows my partner doesn't like and catching up on Substack :)
Sep 18, 2023Liked by Katie Hawkins-Gaar, Rebecca Coates
Thank you for articulating this so well. This feeling of stagnation is insidious precisely because, like you said, the "unhappy medium" doesn't feel as dangerous as more clearly painful experiences. But it is something we should pay attention to, to make sure we continue making the most of this one precious life we have. Thank you for continuing to write this newsletter and sharing your thoughts with us!
Maybe the reader paradox is that we don’t notice if you’re not writing as much - we’re just happy when you do. I appreciate the malaise and writing about it and honestly would gladly read about trying to get a newsletter out through PMS.
You’re too kind! And ha, honestly I would read that too.
Hard same. Or how to write when triggered/anxious. I’ve loved coming back to writing this year, and also found it impossible to write about anything I was going through in real-time, because so much of it would’ve touched on my relationship with my partner. Not about him, but about me and how challenging it was for me to let someone in—and the emotional/physical challenges I experienced (thanks to complex PTSD) made writing feel impossible some weeks. I also knew I needed to share it with him first, not with the world. Unless the topics are happy, I definitely find writing about anything that touches on our thankfully alive people hard! Thanks for helping me feel less alone in that, Katie ❤️
I should have also noted that I read a lot as I was finding my way through grief and The Year of Less was one of the books I devoured! Feels so full-circle (and surreal) for you to comment on this!!
Well, I’m honoured to have been alongside you in some way—then and now ☺️
I think you've described something I've been feeling but couldn't identify. I've written about the loss of my brother and dad and at times it seems easier at times than writing " wow I'm drowning in the minutiae and repetition of raising small children."
ps. my freshly minted middle schooler and her friend googled me during computer class recently--a reminder to keep untangling what's mine and hers to keep!!
I’m so glad it resonated. And wow, that is a good reminder!!
Maybe part of the issue of talking about medium unhappy is because it’s always a both/and and we fear people won’t see that. Parenting is hard and I love my kid. I’m unhappy and I have so many privileges. Both/and is tricky to talk about in our world right now, especially if we fear judgement online.
That’s such a good observation!
"medium unhappy" is such a great phrase!
I really relate to this. And bringing up a child is a wonderful privilege, but it’s also gruelling & involves a lot of routine & repetition and, in many ways, curtails freedom. While I’m so grateful to be where I’m at now in my life, I also - in some ways - strangely miss the intensity of the time I had cancer. Not that I wish to go back there, obviously...Yet it was a time when life was so heightened, and I had so much time & freedom, so many opportunities to reinvent my life in its aftermath.
I feel that! I don’t want to go back at all but there’s a strange nostalgia for that time.
Wanted to say it doesn’t feel like “bearing” with you, but instead coming along for the ride of life--electric or dull. ❤️
You’re the best, Carla ❤️❤️❤️
Loved this, and all the comments posted. Whether it be death, birth, inspirations, mundane every day-ness, I feel like we are in the doldrums of a post pandemic; a political division; and the reality of climate changes.
We are still trying to navigate this new world that has been birthed because of all of it.
I liked that there is a name for the paradox we are going through, but when it comes down to it on any given day, we are just doing the best we can to string along each individual “in the now” moments. Eventually there comes a story of, about or from them. This is life on a planet called “Earth School”. Some of us have been in class a bit longer--I’m fast approaching my 71’st run around the sun--more like a slow saunter now though. Yet, I still have dreams, desires and yes, dodgy days of PMS even though I’ve not had a period for close to 22 years. Now my PMS days are more of the Physical, Mental, and Spiritual sort. With each passing year comes wisdom, and more wisdom, and regrets, yes those too but we still learn from them. Or, as I used to tell my then newly “minted” adult children, when they’d look at me incredulously over something I said that i thought was profound... “What? I didn’t get to be this age only to stay stupid all my life!”
I'm here for this amazing perspective and wisdom you've offered! Great observations 👏🏻
Ha! I’m looking forward to that kind of PMS!
I'm so sorry for your loss, Katie. I had a similar experience when I lost my brother. Writing was a way to unknot the pain and remember the moments I'd forgotten. Beautiful post.
Thank you, Nat ❤️ I’m sorry for your loss too.
I’ve been feeling stagnant, too, and have this sort of imposter syndrome about it. Like, why should I complain about feeling sad and lonely and bored when my husband had a bad day at work, or my friend’s dog died, or another friend is moving across the country?
I guess mundane woes of existence just aren’t as flashy as the big, life-altering ones. Even though they can be similarly (albeit less) impactful.
Thank you for always sharing what you’re thinking and feeling. 💕
Ooh, the imposter syndrome is real! I totally get that.
I really felt engaged by the piece. Brilliant!
I want to say that our boundaries are our own and that we get to decide what we can and should write about. There will always be someone who wants to read - needs to read - what we have written. But, as someone who has been written about (my wife is a published memoirist), I will say that I hope our boundaries are defined by love, or at least compassion, for the people who populate our work.
Thank you, Susan! That’s a great reminder.
Medium-unhappy describes what I'm feeling. This is a poignant share. And whatever you write, I'll read.
Thank you, Patti!
A beautiful account of how you're feeling in this moment. Stagnant phases have their own significance.
"Stagnant phases have their own significance."
Adding this to my "random bits of wisdom" note on my phone now!
Thanks, Debs. That means a lot!
I'd love to read anything that you want to write about! I'm here for your brain's wonderful take and your beautiful words. ❤️
You’re the best, Val. Thank you!
I feel like you’re writing from inside my brain!! Exactly this. All of it. The stories poured out in the early days of deep grief after my divorce. Writing felt like a matter of survival.
But now, life just feels more like.. life. I’m no longer single. There are new characters in my life who open up new questions of permission.
Which is great! It’s what I’ve been working so hard towards! And! I have no idea how to write authentically about this current phase. I question whether I still have interesting things to say.
All this to say, I’m glad you wrote it. An everyday story is exactly what I needed to hear.
That really means a lot. Thank you!
Full disclosure: I'm 62, and all 4 of my children are now grown up and married. I have to say, especially after reading many of the responses here, that I've noticed something about parents over the last 5-10 years. They tend to have the kids SO involved in organized activities that both the kids and parents can't help but be exhausted. I remember well the years of having small kids. With 4 over a 10 year span, we had them at all "kid stages" at once! Please give yourselves and the kids a little bit of a break. First of all, give yourself a break - raising kids doesn't come with a how-to manual. And yet 99+% of us do a great job! Second, while letting the kids get involved in whatever, remember that they're still kids. They need time to play and explore independently in order to figure out this whole big world, and to let their bodies and brains develop. And last, and most important, ENJOY EVERY MINUTE of having them around. Soon enough they'll be grown up and on their own. Cliché, but oh, too true.
The pressure to sign up for all sorts of activities is real! I have friends with older children who are exhausted by it.
I know what you mean. But it's hard to teach the kids not to give in to peer pressure when they see parents doing it. Do what is comfortable and right for your family and your kids, but don't be afraid to buck the trend.
I am feeling something similar now--I moved in with my partner last month, and while it's been great, there are parts that are bittersweet--like the loss of my routines, my writing time, my alone-at-the-kitchen-table-with-coffee-and-my-dog-and-the-morning-silence time, the feeling of doing whatever was good for me. It feels a little bit like losing a part of myself, but then feeling bad about thinking this way since this is what I've wanted for a long time. Life. It's all so cyclical.
I feel like after my husband started working from home full-time when COVID started is when this sentiment really snuck up on me. Even three years later, it can be a challenge to feel like there's space to be just ... me. (Even harder with two younger kids!)
Getting out of the house for walks and, more recently, starting some routine hobbies has been helpful in working through those feelings.
Ah Jill I totally relate to this. As much as I love my partner and am so grateful to be living with him and sharing our life together, I sometimes miss single me who didn't have to think so much about merging our lives together. It feels hard to say that because it implies somehow that then there must be something "wrong" then with the relationship. But in reality, it's just grieving that phase of our lives and that part of our identity. I was single for so long it became a part of how I understood myself. Getting to know myself in a relationship, especially living with a partner, was a very new feeling. It helps to have nights completely alone to myself to do whatever I want to do - nights like I'm having tonight, spending it watching TV shows my partner doesn't like and catching up on Substack :)
I love the nights where I get to watch whatever I want to!
YES, all of this! Completely.
Thank you for articulating this so well. This feeling of stagnation is insidious precisely because, like you said, the "unhappy medium" doesn't feel as dangerous as more clearly painful experiences. But it is something we should pay attention to, to make sure we continue making the most of this one precious life we have. Thank you for continuing to write this newsletter and sharing your thoughts with us!
Thank you, Valentina!!