I love this analogy. Like most things, two (or seventeen) can be true at the same time: it's good to plant flowers AND buy ourselves flowers. Maybe some seasons are for buying ourselves flowers, some are for planting, and some are for a mix of both.
I do think you're spot on about the root of so much of our problems being that we are being sold that our problems are individual ones instead of system ones AND then being sold that the solutions are individual ones too. It's a big mess that keeps most of us collectively suffering because we're never getting to the root of things and blaming ourselves in the process. No wonder we're exhausted and grasping onto "faux self care!"
I personally think that self-care isn’t the end goal. It’s been made the end-goal, as you’ve brought to light, by our hyper-individualistic society. But people who are stressed out, often the carers for many others, overwhelmed, etc need to step into self-care as part of the equation. But it’s not the end goal. Self-care is just the next step on the journey.
Ultimately, it’s about learning to receive. To be in full, healthy, communal relating, we ALL need to be part of the giving and receiving cycles. So we give flowers to others, buy flowers for ourselves, and ask others to buy us flowers. We can advocate for our needs, receive love, and give love. And when we can all play all those roles, then it gets really good. This is the world and communities I’m so excited to build and be a part of. 💜🙌🏼
Katie, this was such a beautiful missive. You’ve articulated so much of where my thinking is… it feels like there’s this desire to escape into the ‘me’, when what will really see us through is sinking in to the ‘we’. I love the buying vs planting flowers analogy too! 🌸 thank you.
This is a great topic. I think a lot about self care in the context of caregiving. Caregivers are repeatedly told to practice self care to prevent the ineffective burnout. The problem is then becomes that self care becomes just another thing that caregivers have to take on when they are often already operating at their limit. I love the idea that real self care is that which actually changes the conditions around us, but this is hard. Increasingly, I think the real answer for caregivers is community care. We need the people around us to step in and help carry the load. What I’ve been thinking of a lot lately is what caregivers who don’t have access to community around them get this community care. I don’t have an answer, but hopefully if more people in the world spend time thinking about caring for those around them, this may become easier.
Thank you for that perspective! And for making the point that, no matter how you frame it, care for yourself and for others is, well, work! And it's not always without burden or challenge.
The concept and practice of care - for oneself, for our loved ones (children, spouses, aging parents!), our neighbors and communities, and our whole world at large! - is so nuanced, situational, and deeply personal. I think the biggest takeaway Katie offers here, and something that is underscored by many of the comments, is that there's been such a heavy focus on self-care in pop culture/media/etc that we often forget about other, also-important forms of care.
I recently signed up to do the training to be a volunteer pilot to cycle people with disabilities or older people who can’t get out on a bike anymore. It’s as you say, doing double duty as self care because I love cycling but community care because I can share my love of cycling with others who would t normally be able to get out on a bike. Subconsciously I knew it was time to make the shift from surviving and healing myself to look outwards again. It feels good and is just the right step towards what you’ve described in this essay—taking care and community.
That's so beautiful Katie! I love the whole thought and process. I tend my 91 year old neighbors garden and tell myself I'll take care of my own when I get to it. But yes, I can do both. Nothing is more soothing for me than getting my hands dirty. It's a little like zen for me. More importantly, you make several excellent points, we are a very closed off society, more so since Covid and there are so many who are truly fearful of what the year may bring, or not. We don't know, but I seriously admire your head on approach to this year and do believe I will follow suit. Thank you for the timely reminder.
Hello Katie and thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts with the world.
I am one of those people who tell people to take care of themselves first in my practice; I would like to expand that here.
We need to learn to love ourselves, that means putting up appropriate boundaries, saying yes only to the things that lead us on a path of joy, but that does not mean in a selfish way. You took the time to retreat and that was self-care... planting seeds of peace, relaxation, and rejuvenation in your heart where it could grow to share with the others in your life.
We do need to fill our own hearts with love, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion so that we can have so much going on in our own hearts that we spill our love out into the world... spilling lunches into community lockers, helping with random acts of kindness, and maybe moving on to the even big changes this world needs.
I do not look forward with dread at 2024. I take each moment and figure out what I need to stay balanced. What can I give today or do I need to retreat.
I love the idea of community care and when I take care of my inner needs, I have all the energy in the world to help my greater community.
Don't know if this made any sense or if I am rambling. ;)
Damn and here I was hoping I could link this to a friend who’s been struggling with depression that it’s okay to make her own joy. I love the message here, and I’m probably taking the metaphor too literally, but nothing says you can’t create individual joys and also care for others. I do think I keep seeing this idea of self-care meaning “I refuse to be uncomfortable” which doesn’t lend itself to community work or really any kind of collaboration. (i’m also a person who kills every plant I own and don’t have a yard, so perhaps I’m defensive of my little spot of sunshine in my apartment I get every so often). I do think lefty organizers can really get at each others throats for not doing everything all the time. I guess this message just isn’t for those people, and that’s okay too.
Oh I’m glad you brought this up! This is why I woke up last night in a panic thinking I didn’t cover all the angles I wanted to, haha. You are SO right. The best kind of self-care, I think, is the kind that helps you tend to your needs/create individual joys and therefore gives you the capacity to be there for others (or to at least engage with the world). I’m writing this from a place of privilege and not in a depressive state, though I know what that feels like. My heart goes out to your friend; I sincerely hope she’s able to make and find those joys soon.
Like I said, I worried my soapbox was a little wobbly because I knew I didn’t say everything I wanted to! I’m glad you brought this point up and I hope people read the comments to see it. Thank you!
As a person indoctrinated into a sort of cult level of community care thanks to an intense version of the religious upbringing many of us endured ("remember: JOY = Jesus, Others, Yourself"), there IS so much reward in giving the first and the best of yourself to the greater good.
The scary caveat is knowing that we live in a self-care centered society, being a community care person leaves lots of opportunity for disappointment. Where securing enough to be steady is good advice, keeping any expectation that this practice and perspective will be matched broadly can lead to big heartbreak.
I am very lucky to have been shoehorned into very emotionally generous queer spaces since my youngest adulthood and now I get to work around queer professionals and there is a real generosity of spirit and acknowledgement of capacity without losing sight of collective goals.
Still, as deeply as I loved this article, I have to underscore that finding those shared big picture spaces (this one included!) is so important. Being one for all in a world that has normalized everyone for themselves will sometimes feel impossible.
Sustaining the beauty of a spirit invested in all of us coming up together is worth tending in community and that cultivation takes its own special dedicated effort.
There's a phrase by Rabbi Hillel in the Talmud that I love: "If I am not for me, who will be for me? And when I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, then when?"
I think one of the best things I've done for myself is to be involved in the community. I did bite off more than I could chew, and had to resign from one group. But being on school boards, school committees, church groups, library groups, working at homeless shelters, etc., is very rewarding. There are a million ways to do it and a million more groups who would love help. Remember that when you plant those flowers you get rewarded with a big bouquet!
I love the idea of planting flowers, but considering I kill every single plant I touch, the flowers may not appreciate being planted by me! Thank you for another rocking newsletter Katie. :)
I love this analogy. Like most things, two (or seventeen) can be true at the same time: it's good to plant flowers AND buy ourselves flowers. Maybe some seasons are for buying ourselves flowers, some are for planting, and some are for a mix of both.
I do think you're spot on about the root of so much of our problems being that we are being sold that our problems are individual ones instead of system ones AND then being sold that the solutions are individual ones too. It's a big mess that keeps most of us collectively suffering because we're never getting to the root of things and blaming ourselves in the process. No wonder we're exhausted and grasping onto "faux self care!"
Yes!! This is it. Thanks for articulating it so well, Sara.
I personally think that self-care isn’t the end goal. It’s been made the end-goal, as you’ve brought to light, by our hyper-individualistic society. But people who are stressed out, often the carers for many others, overwhelmed, etc need to step into self-care as part of the equation. But it’s not the end goal. Self-care is just the next step on the journey.
Ultimately, it’s about learning to receive. To be in full, healthy, communal relating, we ALL need to be part of the giving and receiving cycles. So we give flowers to others, buy flowers for ourselves, and ask others to buy us flowers. We can advocate for our needs, receive love, and give love. And when we can all play all those roles, then it gets really good. This is the world and communities I’m so excited to build and be a part of. 💜🙌🏼
This is really beautiful - and a great point!
Katie, this was such a beautiful missive. You’ve articulated so much of where my thinking is… it feels like there’s this desire to escape into the ‘me’, when what will really see us through is sinking in to the ‘we’. I love the buying vs planting flowers analogy too! 🌸 thank you.
Thank you! That’s really kind 🌷
This is a great topic. I think a lot about self care in the context of caregiving. Caregivers are repeatedly told to practice self care to prevent the ineffective burnout. The problem is then becomes that self care becomes just another thing that caregivers have to take on when they are often already operating at their limit. I love the idea that real self care is that which actually changes the conditions around us, but this is hard. Increasingly, I think the real answer for caregivers is community care. We need the people around us to step in and help carry the load. What I’ve been thinking of a lot lately is what caregivers who don’t have access to community around them get this community care. I don’t have an answer, but hopefully if more people in the world spend time thinking about caring for those around them, this may become easier.
Thank you for that perspective! And for making the point that, no matter how you frame it, care for yourself and for others is, well, work! And it's not always without burden or challenge.
The concept and practice of care - for oneself, for our loved ones (children, spouses, aging parents!), our neighbors and communities, and our whole world at large! - is so nuanced, situational, and deeply personal. I think the biggest takeaway Katie offers here, and something that is underscored by many of the comments, is that there's been such a heavy focus on self-care in pop culture/media/etc that we often forget about other, also-important forms of care.
Yeah, I appreciate the additional perspective here from Katie as I continue trying to sort out some of my thoughts on all this stuff
I recently signed up to do the training to be a volunteer pilot to cycle people with disabilities or older people who can’t get out on a bike anymore. It’s as you say, doing double duty as self care because I love cycling but community care because I can share my love of cycling with others who would t normally be able to get out on a bike. Subconsciously I knew it was time to make the shift from surviving and healing myself to look outwards again. It feels good and is just the right step towards what you’ve described in this essay—taking care and community.
That's so beautiful Katie! I love the whole thought and process. I tend my 91 year old neighbors garden and tell myself I'll take care of my own when I get to it. But yes, I can do both. Nothing is more soothing for me than getting my hands dirty. It's a little like zen for me. More importantly, you make several excellent points, we are a very closed off society, more so since Covid and there are so many who are truly fearful of what the year may bring, or not. We don't know, but I seriously admire your head on approach to this year and do believe I will follow suit. Thank you for the timely reminder.
I read til the end! But for this black thumb (who somehow comes from a line of green thumbs!), my planted flowers will be metaphorical only lol 🌺🌸💐
Hahaha I love it
Hello Katie and thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts with the world.
I am one of those people who tell people to take care of themselves first in my practice; I would like to expand that here.
We need to learn to love ourselves, that means putting up appropriate boundaries, saying yes only to the things that lead us on a path of joy, but that does not mean in a selfish way. You took the time to retreat and that was self-care... planting seeds of peace, relaxation, and rejuvenation in your heart where it could grow to share with the others in your life.
We do need to fill our own hearts with love, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion so that we can have so much going on in our own hearts that we spill our love out into the world... spilling lunches into community lockers, helping with random acts of kindness, and maybe moving on to the even big changes this world needs.
I do not look forward with dread at 2024. I take each moment and figure out what I need to stay balanced. What can I give today or do I need to retreat.
I love the idea of community care and when I take care of my inner needs, I have all the energy in the world to help my greater community.
Don't know if this made any sense or if I am rambling. ;)
Within pain, joy can be felt- thank you for sharing xx
Damn and here I was hoping I could link this to a friend who’s been struggling with depression that it’s okay to make her own joy. I love the message here, and I’m probably taking the metaphor too literally, but nothing says you can’t create individual joys and also care for others. I do think I keep seeing this idea of self-care meaning “I refuse to be uncomfortable” which doesn’t lend itself to community work or really any kind of collaboration. (i’m also a person who kills every plant I own and don’t have a yard, so perhaps I’m defensive of my little spot of sunshine in my apartment I get every so often). I do think lefty organizers can really get at each others throats for not doing everything all the time. I guess this message just isn’t for those people, and that’s okay too.
Oh I’m glad you brought this up! This is why I woke up last night in a panic thinking I didn’t cover all the angles I wanted to, haha. You are SO right. The best kind of self-care, I think, is the kind that helps you tend to your needs/create individual joys and therefore gives you the capacity to be there for others (or to at least engage with the world). I’m writing this from a place of privilege and not in a depressive state, though I know what that feels like. My heart goes out to your friend; I sincerely hope she’s able to make and find those joys soon.
Like I said, I worried my soapbox was a little wobbly because I knew I didn’t say everything I wanted to! I’m glad you brought this point up and I hope people read the comments to see it. Thank you!
God, the balance is exhausting and tenuous.
As a person indoctrinated into a sort of cult level of community care thanks to an intense version of the religious upbringing many of us endured ("remember: JOY = Jesus, Others, Yourself"), there IS so much reward in giving the first and the best of yourself to the greater good.
The scary caveat is knowing that we live in a self-care centered society, being a community care person leaves lots of opportunity for disappointment. Where securing enough to be steady is good advice, keeping any expectation that this practice and perspective will be matched broadly can lead to big heartbreak.
I am very lucky to have been shoehorned into very emotionally generous queer spaces since my youngest adulthood and now I get to work around queer professionals and there is a real generosity of spirit and acknowledgement of capacity without losing sight of collective goals.
Still, as deeply as I loved this article, I have to underscore that finding those shared big picture spaces (this one included!) is so important. Being one for all in a world that has normalized everyone for themselves will sometimes feel impossible.
Sustaining the beauty of a spirit invested in all of us coming up together is worth tending in community and that cultivation takes its own special dedicated effort.
I always love it when you chime in, Andi!! Thanks for your wise perspective. xo
There's a phrase by Rabbi Hillel in the Talmud that I love: "If I am not for me, who will be for me? And when I am for myself alone, what am I? And if not now, then when?"
That's beautiful.
I think one of the best things I've done for myself is to be involved in the community. I did bite off more than I could chew, and had to resign from one group. But being on school boards, school committees, church groups, library groups, working at homeless shelters, etc., is very rewarding. There are a million ways to do it and a million more groups who would love help. Remember that when you plant those flowers you get rewarded with a big bouquet!
I love that! A big bouquet!
What a refreshing take on humankind. You are most definitely both.
I love this message. My happiest moments are when I've spent time with others, or helping others. There is no substitute for community.
I love the idea of planting flowers, but considering I kill every single plant I touch, the flowers may not appreciate being planted by me! Thank you for another rocking newsletter Katie. :)