Feb 23, 2021Liked by Rebecca Coates, Katie Hawkins-Gaar
Oof. this is such a loaded one. And that's not a bad thing btw. I have been dealing with grief a good part of my life, having lost my grandfather when I was 11, my father when I was 13, my mother when I was 21, my grandmother when I was 30... anyway, you get the picture. I mostly honor 2 anniversaries - my mom and dad -- and each year is different. Some years, it's quiet reflection, other years I want to share with others. I think about them all the time but this year as my father's anniversary approached, I really spent time thinking about our relationship as a whole. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't just one thing that I learned from him, or one thing that I missed, but a million little things. It brings me comfort to know I take certain actions or value certain things because I learned them from him... and on the flip side, it makes me sad that I missed out on all I could have learned. Part 2 of my reply: For the pandemic, the line you wrote about how you can't trick your brain because your body remembers was like a lightbulb going off. I haven't been sleeping well, which is not new. But what is new is my dreams have been about fighting back, hiding, being scared of being chased or killed. I couldn't figure out why I keep having versions of this dream lately but now I think I know.... I'm subconsciously dreading March - ironic since my birthday is in the same month and I've always looked forward to spring.
Oh Catherine. I hope you can do both things at once: Mourning the pandemic and celebrating your birthday. I love what you wrote about your father. Thank you for sharing.
I never knew there was a name for it! Thanks for this. I've not really figured out yet what helps me (I've only recently figured out that October-January sucks for specific reasons) but being gentle is such a big one! Rereading soothing books (Jane Austen helps me) and journalling, and spending time with my cats and fiancée, too. Becoming a bit of a hermit and ALLOWING myself the time to heal.
My niece died by suicide 3 years ago-she would have been 24 earlier this month. I shared your essay with my sister and we cried together. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us so openly. I love what you are doing. You are a gift.
I don't have a grief anniversary but I do have a sobriety anniversary. And every year it comes around I start feel weird. I feel overwhelmed with different emotions. What helps me get through my sobriety anniversary is running, going to meetings and sharing about how I'm feeling and also talking to my sponsor.
I lost my brother on March 3rd 2019 so my brain was braced for a hard March 2020- but then we were hit with a new kind of global grief and challenge for healing. At first I felt better braced for it than those around me, I knew what grief felt like so the early pandemic emotions were not new feelings for me. I knew the anniversary was still going to be hard this year, but with the two timelines and anniversaries intersecting I had no idea what to expect. It has been hard and exhausting but I tried to find ways to find some light and love on that day. I was bombarded with twelve bouquets of flowers from friends, I spent time with my sister in the sunshine (a luxury in a Michigan March), and we had a steak and champagne in his honor. It was the small things that made a big difference.... to my surprise March 3rd wasn't the hardest day, because I was braced for it. The days surrounding it, however, have been harder than expected and I needed to read this, thank you for reminding me that I am not expected to be at full capacity this week.
Oh, Monica, I'm so sorry about your loss. I also find that the actual death date isn't as hard as the days surrounding it—for all the reasons you described. I love how you honored your brother (and took care of yourself!) and hope that things feel lighter soon. xo
Such a good explanation. Sometimes things feel easier when I know why I'm feeling them. Or that others are in the same place. It is normalizing, I guess? So, thanks for this. Thinking about the pandemic as a traumatic event puts it in a new perspective.
Hey. I didn't realize either that there was a name for it. I lost my mom in january 2020 and I've been going thru various versions of the grief process... and realized today i am starting to move on. My best friend died when I was 17 and it was from suicide. For 20 years I went over and over in my head how devastating it was and I allowed it to ruin my life instead of show me there's so much more to live for.
This time around,- I know my mom wants me to be happy. She fought for my happiness everyday of my life... and I want to show her that I'm going to be the best I can be. Loving my best life, am I right?
But yeah-- hanging out with the love of my life, chilling and reading and listening to music and dancing around the house every morning for a workout-- these are my jams.... be the best you can be. Try our hardest.
Oof. this is such a loaded one. And that's not a bad thing btw. I have been dealing with grief a good part of my life, having lost my grandfather when I was 11, my father when I was 13, my mother when I was 21, my grandmother when I was 30... anyway, you get the picture. I mostly honor 2 anniversaries - my mom and dad -- and each year is different. Some years, it's quiet reflection, other years I want to share with others. I think about them all the time but this year as my father's anniversary approached, I really spent time thinking about our relationship as a whole. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't just one thing that I learned from him, or one thing that I missed, but a million little things. It brings me comfort to know I take certain actions or value certain things because I learned them from him... and on the flip side, it makes me sad that I missed out on all I could have learned. Part 2 of my reply: For the pandemic, the line you wrote about how you can't trick your brain because your body remembers was like a lightbulb going off. I haven't been sleeping well, which is not new. But what is new is my dreams have been about fighting back, hiding, being scared of being chased or killed. I couldn't figure out why I keep having versions of this dream lately but now I think I know.... I'm subconsciously dreading March - ironic since my birthday is in the same month and I've always looked forward to spring.
Oh Catherine. I hope you can do both things at once: Mourning the pandemic and celebrating your birthday. I love what you wrote about your father. Thank you for sharing.
I never knew there was a name for it! Thanks for this. I've not really figured out yet what helps me (I've only recently figured out that October-January sucks for specific reasons) but being gentle is such a big one! Rereading soothing books (Jane Austen helps me) and journalling, and spending time with my cats and fiancée, too. Becoming a bit of a hermit and ALLOWING myself the time to heal.
Oh, that sounds like such a lovely and tender approach. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for this post - it's such a good, helpful, lovely one.
My niece died by suicide 3 years ago-she would have been 24 earlier this month. I shared your essay with my sister and we cried together. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us so openly. I love what you are doing. You are a gift.
Oh my goodness, this message means to much to me. I’m sincerely sorry for your loss, and I’m glad this gave you a bit of comfort. Sending love.
I don't have a grief anniversary but I do have a sobriety anniversary. And every year it comes around I start feel weird. I feel overwhelmed with different emotions. What helps me get through my sobriety anniversary is running, going to meetings and sharing about how I'm feeling and also talking to my sponsor.
This is such an interesting observation! Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you’ve got some great ways to honor and work through the anniversary.
I found you through Girls' Night In. I really love that quote about the storm changing you.
Aw, thanks for letting me know! I love that quote, too.
I lost my brother on March 3rd 2019 so my brain was braced for a hard March 2020- but then we were hit with a new kind of global grief and challenge for healing. At first I felt better braced for it than those around me, I knew what grief felt like so the early pandemic emotions were not new feelings for me. I knew the anniversary was still going to be hard this year, but with the two timelines and anniversaries intersecting I had no idea what to expect. It has been hard and exhausting but I tried to find ways to find some light and love on that day. I was bombarded with twelve bouquets of flowers from friends, I spent time with my sister in the sunshine (a luxury in a Michigan March), and we had a steak and champagne in his honor. It was the small things that made a big difference.... to my surprise March 3rd wasn't the hardest day, because I was braced for it. The days surrounding it, however, have been harder than expected and I needed to read this, thank you for reminding me that I am not expected to be at full capacity this week.
Oh, Monica, I'm so sorry about your loss. I also find that the actual death date isn't as hard as the days surrounding it—for all the reasons you described. I love how you honored your brother (and took care of yourself!) and hope that things feel lighter soon. xo
Such a good explanation. Sometimes things feel easier when I know why I'm feeling them. Or that others are in the same place. It is normalizing, I guess? So, thanks for this. Thinking about the pandemic as a traumatic event puts it in a new perspective.
Hey. I didn't realize either that there was a name for it. I lost my mom in january 2020 and I've been going thru various versions of the grief process... and realized today i am starting to move on. My best friend died when I was 17 and it was from suicide. For 20 years I went over and over in my head how devastating it was and I allowed it to ruin my life instead of show me there's so much more to live for.
This time around,- I know my mom wants me to be happy. She fought for my happiness everyday of my life... and I want to show her that I'm going to be the best I can be. Loving my best life, am I right?
But yeah-- hanging out with the love of my life, chilling and reading and listening to music and dancing around the house every morning for a workout-- these are my jams.... be the best you can be. Try our hardest.
Loved this post, so I subscribed. Xoxo.
Thank you, Laura! Your mom would be so proud of you for how you're moving forward. This really inspired me. Sending you love. xo