We're all gonna fail
As of last week, I’m officially a freelancer. I am also officially an anxious mess.
I fell into freelancing last year. I entered 2018 without a full-time job, intending to take the year off and figure out what I wanted in life since becoming a widow. A sabbatical felt like the right move, but my work-free lifestyle didn’t last long. As the year went on, I said yes to more and more freelance opportunities and consulting gigs until my schedule completely filled up.
Since I now have experience freelancing, I shouldn’t be too worried about another year of it. I have some emergency funds saved up, I’m good at budgeting and self-motivation, and I seem to have enough contacts to make it work. Plus, I enjoy it! Freelancing offers me the flexibility and purpose that I’m looking for in life right now.
Still, I’m terrified. Because I’m making a conscious decision to freelance this year, the stakes suddenly seem higher. That means my anxiety is sky high, too. Without a full-time job, boss, or the excuse of being a new widow to hide behind, I feel exposed. If I fail, there’s no one to blame but myself.
The funny thing is that I’m not entirely sure what failure would look like. One of the worst case scenarios that I can imagine is that I wouldn’t make enough money freelancing and have to go back to full-time work. When I write that possibility out, it doesn’t seem that shameful or scary of a prospect. But when I let vague ideas of failure run free in my head, they feel humiliating and horrible.
My fear of failure is manifesting itself in some fun ways lately. I started and stopped this newsletter issue a dozen times, increasingly frustrated with each attempt. Instead of spending my time lining up freelance gigs, I’ve been obsessively calculating how much money I’ll need each month — and imagining how panicked I’ll feel if I don’t make enough. Anxiety is even creeping over to my relationship; I’ve been irrationally worried that I’ll mess things up and wind up alone again and I’ll be even older this time and not only that I’ll be a single freelancer which somehow seems worse?
My brain has been going a mile a minute in all the wrong directions.
It’s embarrassing to admit all of this, but putting these worries into words gives me some much-needed perspective. The fear of failure is exhausting, and makes doing good work so much harder than it needs to be. I need to give my present self some kudos for actually succeeding instead of punishing my future self for potentially failing.
It’s also worth acknowledging that failure will happen at some point. I hope I won’t experience a colossal professional failure, but I know I’ll face missteps along the way. Readers will unsubscribe from this newsletter. Editors will reject my pitches. I’ll write some things and complete some projects that could have been significantly better. Failure, in some form or another, will occur.
As long as I’m putting words and ideas out into the universe, the potential for failure will always exist. Just like we’re all gonna die, we’re all gonna fail. It’s on us to either choose to keep dwelling on the inevitable, or choose to keep *doing* until the inevitable happens.
xoxo
KHG
p.s. If you enjoy My Sweet Dumb Brain, please spread the word to a like-minded friend! Here’s the Medium version of this week’s essay. If you're looking for advice about failure, email me! And thank you to those of you who volunteered to guest write; I’ll be in touch with guidelines soon.
Good job, brain
I'm currently reading: Florida, by Lauren Groff. I’m on a quest to read more books about the bizarre and wonderful state I live in, and this collection of fictional short stories (recommended by Obama himself!) seemed like a good place to start. Her writing is wonderfully evocative, and the stories are a perfect length for nighttime reading.
I’m currently inspired by: My friend Anjali Pinto, another young widow, who gave a powerful talk about losing her husband and what she’s learned.
I'm currently aiming to: Take my health more seriously. It’s ridiculous how easily I can convince myself to live with pain and discomfort! Lately, I’ve been battling some serious shoulder pain and hearing problems. I’ve got appointments to address both this week.
Additional resources
It might be our fear of embarrassment, not failure, that inhibits us so often.
I’ve been binging the Don’t Keep Your Day Job podcast, and this episode on overthinking was exactly what I needed to listen to this week.
Here are four steps to help overcome your fear of failure.
For your sweet dumb brain
We love to imagine the worst things that could happen, but rarely take time to play out best-case scenarios. Think about an area in your life where you’re afraid of failing. At some point today, take three minutes (set a timer!), close your eyes, and imagine what would things would look like if you wildly succeeded instead. Let your mind wander in an optimistic direction. Feels good, right?