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Ama's avatar
5dEdited

Katie, I’ve been reading your work for years. I think this is one of the most powerful things you’ve ever written. It resonated profoundly with me. Stopped me in my tracks. Helped me cry. I wonder if it might be published beyond Substack. I think it deserves a wider audience. Also, I appreciate your vulnerability about your marriage. It is common for all of us to feel tensions entangle and intensify together, no matter how much love there is. Sending you the hope of community in resistance.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

That means so much, Ama! Your comment prompted me to reach out to a publication to see if they might be interested in running it. I appreciate the encouragement! xo

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Ama's avatar

It could not be more timely, and I think its quiet, reflective tone will reach many people who are exhausted by neverending barrage of upsetting news. I am currently loosing big clumps of hair (my "tree," if you will).

I heard you speak many years ago on a panel about grief in Raleigh, NC. You were with Nora Mcinerny. What a pair you made! The place (my church) was packed to the gills. I wonder if you remember that. I've been a fan of your writing ever sense. So sorry that I am currently unemployed and unable to be a paying reader.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Of course I remember that event! It was so wonderful. What a lovely church you are a member of!! It means so much to me that you’ve been reading since then ❤️

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Fr. Herb Yost, CSC's avatar

Katie..... oh does this resonate with me! Trees have become a very important spiritual symbol to me in recent years. They are grounded in the earth, and the limbs, branches, and twigs I characterize as symbolic of my assignments and the people I serve/served. It's all intertwined in a beautiful tapestry of my life and ministry. Lately it has been the trunks and rootedness that have sustained me as I grieve the death of my dearest friend three weeks ago (seems like an eternity already). And as you noted, what Trump and his minions are doing to this country and the world are also cause for grief. Boy, am I clinging to that trunk for strength and support.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear friend. Nothing quite shakes us to the core than losing the people we love most. I am so touched that this essay resonated with you, especially now.

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Kelly Barrett's avatar

Gorgeous and heartbreaking.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Thank you, Kelly.

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caroline perkins's avatar

I love this, Katie. Thanks so much.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Thank you ❤️

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Ramya Vivekanandan's avatar

This is a gorgeous piece, Katie. I don’t have anything more specific to say about it but just - thank you, thank you.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

That's so kind. Thank YOU.

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Julia Carpenter's avatar

tears! in! my! eyes!

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

ahhh I'm so glad it resonated! It was cathartic to write!!

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Amanda Eich's avatar

WOW. This was very powerful- painfully so. I honestly don't quite have the words to say just how much- everyone has expressed this already. I do hope it gets published everywhere. The rhythm and escalation of tension... it's where we're all at right now. We're all caught up in this back and forth, this frantic ebb and flow of bad upon bad- and everyone has a "tree" in their life that it's not about, but it is.... because we all have lives to live among all this stupid shit. I've had so many conversations with friends just like this.

Your words caught in my throat just right. Thank you.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

I am so glad it resonated! Thank you for reading.

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Josie's avatar

Oof, right in the feels. I always admire your ability to take the personal and make it universal. It’s never just the tree. They just took down a massive oak by Salem’s for a new build and I felt the same breathlessness. It’s hard to not take those small(er) things as a harbinger of the overall mess we’re in. Heaven knows I can start a good spiral from just about anywhere! Your closing section though… chef’s kiss. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, as always 💜

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Ahh I remember that oak! What a massive loss. Thank you for the kind words, friend! Love you ❤️

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Hannah Iris's avatar

"Heaven knows I can start a good spiral from just about anywhere!" LOL and *same* 😭

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Victoria Helmly's avatar

Love this. I am so sorry about the tree. And about the world. It just keeps breaking our hearts.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

❤️💔❤️

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Hannah Iris's avatar

I absolutely echo everyone's *lovely* comments here on this *lovely* essay AND yet I just want to bitch in solidarity. Isn't it some bullshit to spend so! much! money! to NOT have something you already had?! We ourselves had to pay $5,000 (FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!) a few years back to remove a very large, very old, very dead tree in our yard. I was so angry! -- $5k to lose a tree! 😭

I'm so sorry you lost your tree.

I'm so sorry we've lost so much.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Misery loves company! Thanks for commiserating. It really is a tough cost to swallow! We’ve had a lot of those this year. Sigh. (p.s. I hope you’re well, friend!)

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Erin Kelly's avatar

Just what I needed to read, and cry. Impermanence is so freaking hard, but it also makes things beautiful, so I’m trying to appreciate that. (But this country…. 😭😭😭😭)

RIP beautiful, complex tree.

We had a similar relationship with a big leaf maple in front of our house, and we were able to save it one year from the HOA. But not the next.

Now a different variety of maple grows there, and we call it baby tree.

Life goes on and we remember what was. ❤️

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Baby tree!! I love that.

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corinne behnke's avatar

what a pertinent and timely piece! I'm sure this wasn't easy to write, because as I read it I sat with your words and realized how deeply they penetrated my own feelings towards the state of the world right now. Alls to say, this was beautifully written and I hope you know that your closing words really left me with an extra bit of hope going into this week <3

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Thank you so much for telling me that, Corinne! It means a lot.

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Amelia's avatar

Really beautifully written, Katie ❤️ Thank you for this.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

I appreciate it! ❤️

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KL's avatar

new tree, new tree! We lost a huge saucer magnolia this last year, as well as a smaller plum tree at the base of the driveway. I'm turning the plum into a trellis for native honeysuckle, but we are still looking at what to put in place of the magnolia, though will take years to get shade again. but someday. I hope you find something that fits your space.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

Thank you! I'm rooting (ha) for a new tree, too.

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Beth Robinson's avatar

I love this so much. I look out every day at the Flame Tree/Royal Poinciana in front of my home thinking it should come down. But when it blossoms it is the most spectacular red against the blue sky. And so I give it one more year, one more summer in bloom.

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Katie Hawkins-Gaar's avatar

It’s such a pretty tree! I hope you enjoy your time together 🍁

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Karen Davis's avatar

Oh there is so much here! I got to the end thinking of a quote I had from a dream: “everything in level will die, but love always returns in another form.”

I see this in our country. Something is dying. But something else is being born, and it’s not what the people doing the destruction think they are birthing. I hear people who voted for this mess starting to wake up. I see institutions being destroyed that were functioning, but maybe not as well as we really wanted to believe. The rebuilding is going to be immense. I hate that this is the way change really happens. I hate that it’s our nature to just keep going until it gets bad enough. But when it gets bad enough, I love that it is our nature to rebuild.

This really is one of your most powerful essays Katie.

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