Ask My Sweet Dumb Brain: How do I survive this period of my life?
It's advice time, y'all.
Hi Katie,
I’m unemployed right now and searching for a job.
From the outside, I have probably the best unemployment situation you could ask for: I have a good resume, I’m living rent-free at my parents’ house, and I have a kind, supportive partner who has a steady, well-paying job. The problem is that my anxiety and fear are rendering me almost completely incapable of finding work.
Every time I open my computer to look for jobs I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even reading articles about how to improve my job hunting strategy makes me anxious and fearful because I know they will tell me something I should be doing, but am not doing, and thus make me feel bad about myself. My fear of failure, fear of rejection, and fear of meeting up with strangers and having to do small talk and self-promote (not a great strength of mine) have completely paralyzed me. I have barely anything to show for the past two months of being unemployed and I feel my self-esteem and self-confidence slipping by the day.
I did just start seeing a new therapist, and while she is helping a lot, we haven’t had many appointments so far to talk heavily about this issue. I feel like I know what I need to do to find a job, so I guess my question is: How do I survive this period of my life without completely self destructing? I feel helpless, purposeless, and just plain lazy. I have all of these things I planned on doing while I had time, but now I just don’t feel like doing any of them.
Thanks for taking the time to read this; I appreciate it, and I appreciate receiving your newsletter.
Sincerely,
Paralyzed by Fear
Dear Paralyzed,
I’m sorry these past few months have been so hard. Searching for a job can take a toll on even the most confident people, especially if the search lasts longer than expected.
I want you to know that you’re not alone, and that anxiety is a healthy and normal emotion. That fear you’re feeling in the pit of your stomach? It’s instinctual—your own sweet dumb brain is trying to protect you from the pain of rejection and failure.
The challenge, of course, is not to let fear rule everything. One way to do that is by listening to your anxiety. There might be some quiet truth amid all the chaotic noise in your head. What is it exactly that you’re feeling fearful of and anxious about? Maybe it’s that you aren’t sure what job you want, and need to do some soul-searching in addition to job-searching; or perhaps you’re not confident in your interviewing skills, and could benefit from role playing conversations before putting yourself out there.
My worst grief days occurred when I tried to push away my sadness instead of surrendering to it. Avoidance made me so much more miserable than I needed to be. When I finally acknowledged my sadness, I was able to find my way out. I think that applies for most so-called negative emotions we experience; it’s when we try to fight or avoid certain feelings that we hurt ourselves most.
By listening to your fears instead of feeling overwhelmed by them, you can begin to focus on the areas you feel weakest in. Write out your specific insecurities and identify ways to tackle them one by one. If self-promotion terrifies you, for example, challenge yourself to jot down three things that you did well at the end of each day. Eventually, you’ll become more confident and able to find some direction instead of feeling paralyzed by the vague idea that you’re simply not good at this.
I’d also challenge you to reframe rejection. Applying for jobs means that you’re opening up the possibility of being rejected, which is scary. But rejection is also proof that you’re facing your fears and taking steps forward. As Angela Duckworth, the author of “Grit: The Power and Passion of Perseverance,” argues, tenacity is far more important than talent when it comes to success. Whether or not you find a job is less likely to be based on your skills, and more so determined by how many jobs you actually apply for. Try to wear your rejections as a badge of honor, and maybe even build in rewards along the way. Rejected from a position? That’s still worth celebrating over dinner with your partner—giving yourself an opportunity to discuss lessons learned.
Your core question, though, was “How do I survive this period of my life without completely self-destructing?”
The most important thing you can do is be kind to yourself.
I know what it’s like to feel “helpless, purposeless, and just plain lazy.” It’s demoralizing, and beating yourself up seems like the natural thing to do. But telling yourself that you are these things only worsens those negative feelings. You are so much more, and it’s on you to remind yourself of that.
Being in such a vulnerable period isn’t easy, and it’s during times like these that we have to be extra gentle with ourselves. Acknowledge the wins—big and small—that you make each day. Take this time to go for extra long walks, do some daily meditation, and practice positive affirmations. You’ll not only be in a better mindset for job hunting, but you’ll begin some healthy habits you can take with you when you return to a full-time gig.
I know this isn’t easy, but you can do this. Take it step by step, look for the wins along the way (like going to therapy and writing this letter! good work!), and please remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
xoxo
KHG
p.s. Thank you to the wonderful reader who wrote today’s letter, and thank YOU for subscribing to this newsletter. If you know someone who might enjoy My Sweet Dumb Brain, please encourage them to subscribe. I also published today’s issue on Medium.
Good job, brain
I'm currently (re) reading: Hi, Anxiety: Life With a Bad Case of Nerves, by Kat Kinsman. Kat and I both worked together at CNN, and she’s an incredibly inspiring and generous person. Her book is fantastic, and I’m glad this month’s newsletter theme prompted me to revisit it.
I’m currently inspired by: Ricky Gervais’ Netflix show After Life, in which Gervais plays a widower searching for reasons to live after his wife’s death. My partner and I binged this six-episode show over the weekend, and I found it darkly funny, surprisingly beautiful, and incredibly relatable.
I'm currently aiming to: Write reasonable to-do lists each day this week—nine work- and life-related things I want to accomplish, tops.
Additional resources
“Why am I so lazy?” This advice, to question the stories we tell about ourselves, is outstanding.
Emily Winter got rejected more than 100 times in 2018, and has a refreshing perspective about the experience.
Here’s Angela Duckworth’s popular TED Talk on the power of grit.
How timely! This week’s Smarter Living newsletter is all about turning rejection into an advantage.
For your sweet dumb brain
What’s something that you’re avoiding because of the potential for rejection or failure? Maybe you’re stalling on inviting a friend to dinner, pitching an essay, or taking that yoga class. Identify one thing you’re afraid of, and challenge yourself to do it this week. Even if you get rejected or fail, doing the damn thing is still a win.
My Sweet Dumb Brain is written by Katie Hawkins-Gaar. It’s edited by Rebecca Coates. Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash.